Deputies should mind their Monkish ways

TOWARDS the end of the 20th century a new detective hit our TV screens. A shameless rip-off of the Sherlock Holmes genre but with a twist to give it credibility. Monk was set in modern day San Francisco and the genius detective, Adrian Monk, was a very troubled man indeed. So much so that his 'Watson' was a nurse hired to ensure he could live out something akin to a normal life.

Adrian Monk was frightened of everything. He had a list of phobias, literally a list he carried with him and amended from time to time, which included a fear of milk. He avoided all physical contact with others and his nurse carried an endless supply of disinfectant wipes to ensure that if there was contact it could be immediately sanitised.

A man of great intellect and education, he knew all the risks associated with living but he had no filter to allow him to prioritise the real risks and to accept the lesser risks such as sharing an elevator or to avoid looking at dumpsters full of trash.

Monk also had a problem choosing between risks. Imagine the conflict when he is hanging off a cliff as waves break on rocks hundreds of feet below and the hand offered to save him belongs to a former leper. It wasn't an easy decision.

Monk was of course not wrong in his thinking about life. By cocooning himself away in his apartment, avoiding all human contact, keeping himself and his environment scrupulously clean and individually inspecting and selecting every element of his diet, he could avoid many infectious diseases.

Luckily Monk had his own version of Watson and Inspector Lestrade to keep him on the right path and functional in the real world.

But imagine if Monk had been the mayor of San Francisco. What would he have seen as the major problems facing his city and how would he deploy resources to combat them?

A free or subsidised issue of wet wipes and a law enforcing their use after any skin to skin contact? Perhaps legislation banning the shaking of hands. Think about it, how many colds are passed on with a shake of the hand? Do we know? If not, will Monk need to hire consultants to measure the impact of hand-shaking on the economy of San Francisco?

Monk also has quite an issue with bathrooms, especially shared ones. Perhaps a housing code is needed to ensure every resident of San Francisco has their own bathroom? Possibly cash will have to be allocated to help residents add them?

Monk is a great fan of recycling but is concerned that the garbage collectors may not always put the right bags in the right section of the truck. As a good citizen, he monitors the loading of his recycling. Perhaps a civic code requiring all householders to monitor rubbish collections should be given higher priority than, say, the Gun Control Bill?

Mayor Monk would certainly clean up San Francisco, but at the same time he would be diverting all municipal funding to his pet projects. Perhaps a few aid programmes would need to be shut down. Do poor children really need free school meals?

Strangely, municipal tax collection is dropping. The tourist sector is struggling, perhaps down to the hundreds of interviews given by Mayor Monk on how filthy San Francisco is and the risks to health from visiting the city.

Thankfully, no one would ever elect Adrian Monk as mayor and therefore San Francisco is safe.

However, I have this feeling in my water that some of our elected representatives share some Monk DNA.

I think Guernsey is a nice place. I find the air clean and fresh. I think our coastline is stunning and beautiful. I don't come across inequality of any sorts on a daily basis and I feel very safe living here.

If I were to base my vision of Guernsey on Hansard, then I would imagine a polluted island constantly wreathed in the black smoke from bonfires. My lungs would be full of particles and my life expectancy would be low. Our beaches would be covered in detritus obscuring the sand below and dogs would be savaging our last wading bird. The sea lapping on the plastic bottle beach would be obviously full of untreated sewage and I would cry for the small children swimming in it.

In the workplace I would see women and children, denied of international rights, being exploited by men.

It would seem wrong of me to deny massive injections of cash to clean up our filthy little island and to give women the dignity of equal rights. Even if millions have to be allocated on Pfos clean-ups, surely no decent human being could object?

See what I mean? Hansard records how our Monkish deputies see and promote our island. How our Monkish deputies believe our cash should be allocated.

Perhaps they don't appreciate how some islanders view their approach. The islanders who have run out of money the week before pay day. The islanders whose card has been rejected by the ATM. The islanders with young families who can't afford to buy a family-sized home, or even those who can't afford to have a family.

Balance is needed in everything and we can't afford everything at once. Let's get our priorities right and, most importantly, let's keep sending the right message to the world to give us some chance of funding Monk projects in the future.

Deputy De Lisle, please let that message not be 'Guernsey is the dirty little island...', as you are quoted as saying in this publication. Choose your words well, for all our sakes.