A model example...

Cher Eugene,

I DON'T know what's happening to Guernsey these days, mon viaer.

There doesn't seem to be anyone in charge any more. Some of these States departments, they seem to be able to do what they like.

I told you about the changes in Town, how they've altered all the piers and the roads and everything, just because there's new people to the harbour who decided the White Rock was unsafe? But it's only unsafe for cruise passengers, it's fine for everyone else, eh?

The latest is they've put some big planters to the Albert Pier, to stop people walking in the road. They didn't walk in the road before, mind, but that doesn't seem to matter. But the thing is, they're just big grey oblong plastic blocks, Eugene. They don't match any of the other planters round Town. The only thing they'd match would be a German bunker.

I don't know how they got permission, mon viaer, because if anything's incongruous with the surroundings, it's them. Old Jack Torode says an orange sign above a shop front would be more attractive, eh?

And they just appeared overnight, like graffiti. I suppose it's the same reason: they're not attractive and no one wants to admit they put them there. It was probably the same person who put those plastic tractor seats to the States office.

But do you know, they cost £30,000? Can you believe that, when the States are supposed to be saving money? That Public Services one, he said they don't have to stay there, they would be moved at the end of the season. But he didn't say where, and Mont Cuet's already getting full, eh?

I don't know how that fits with all their talk about value for money, Eugene. I said to Jack Torode, there's warships made out of plastic these days, perhaps they'll recycle them and build a new Leopardess. After all, they're the right colour, them. They'd probably claim that was a saving under their financial transformation programme, and pay half of it to English consultants, them.

I don't know if they were in the original plan, Eugene, but that one from the harbour, she said they'd done modelling to show how all their changes would make things better for cruise passengers and locals. I said to Jack, if you ask me they spent too much time in their offices playing with models and not enough time walking round Town. Perhaps that's where the planters came from, Eugene; they found some Lego bricks in with all their models.

And it was all supposed to make it safer, but it hasn't worked, mon viaer, because now when a cruise liner comes in they've decided they need policemen to the crossing by Woolworths, to help the traffic and pedestrians.

So it stands to reason, it must have been safer before they changed everything, eh? Or perhaps they found some toy policemen in their model box and they accidentally ended up in their plan.

They've even admitted now that it's costing £800 a day to have the policemen there. The Public Services tried to say they were off-duty policemen and traffic wardens, but if they're in uniform and being paid, I don't see how that's off duty, Eugene. Like Jack said, at that price they won't want to go back to normal police work, eh?

And it means the Public Services are paying the Home department because of something the harbour people wanted, so that's the States sending our money round in circles, Eugene. Like the cruise passengers if they follow the new signs, them.

It seems to me, if they've ended up employing policemen to keep passengers safe when a cruise liner comes in, they could have put the policemen to the White Rock in the first place and left the Town as it was. I don't suppose they thought of that, eh?

The trouble is, they don't seem to realise how they're spoiling the Town, Eugene. They've changed everything round the Albert statue, they've had to dredge the harbour, put in railings and signs, taken away the Herm kiosk and put these big Lego block planters, and made the road just one lane with new white lines to slow up the traffic.

And now that Public Services minister, he's saying when they start exporting the residual waste in a year or two's time, it will be shipped from St Peter Port instead of St Sampson's. Caw, the mess they're making of St Peter Port they might just as well hand it over to the planners from St Helier and have done with it.

They were supposed to be sorting out the harbours with their big ports master plan, Eugene, but I suppose once they put those big cranes to the White Rock and took car parking spaces away for freight, there was no point doing a plan any more.

It would be like building a brand-new school before you'd worked out how many pupils there would be, or whether you'd still have the 11-plus. Or planning a tax and benefits review that relied on GST before GST got voted out. Or making a hash of the crossing to Woolworths when there wasn't a problem in the first place. No government would do things like that, eh?

And would you believe, they're even putting another courtesy crossing outside that development to the old GT Cars site? Jack said he couldn't see why they wanted one there, because the other side of the road it's only a cycle lane and the sea. Perhaps they found some extra bits in their model box, Eugene. Or like Jack said, it's a planner from the UK who thinks land crabs might want to go ashore at high tide. Still, there could be some policemen happy about it, eh?

I don't know if tourists will be happy with what's happening to Guernsey, Eugene. There's the tourist board saying they want another 400,000 visitors every year, but they'll have to stop the Public Services and Environment spoiling the island first.

Jack said he's already heard there's some cruise liners not coming back with the mess they've made in Town. I don't know if that's true, mon viaer, but when you think, St Peter Port used to be really pretty, and visitors could walk along the High Street or the front past Guernsey shops, and when they got to the Kosy Korner the only thing to stop them crossing would be someone taking their photograph.

Now they have to climb a steep pontoon just to get ashore, they get herded by a lot of people in yellow jackets and told where to walk, and they have to wait for policemen to tell them when to cross the road. I said to Jack, the way things are going, hang, by next year they'll be formed into a walking bus like they do with schoolchildren, and they'll need a passport and a utility bill before they can use the crossing.

And if the planners find a train in their model box, caw, anything could happen, eh?

A la perchoîne,

Your cousin,

Emile