Stealth, wealth and a deliberate rain dance

Cher Eugene,

WELL, mon viaer, I suppose that's the summer officially over for another year. We've had all the summer shows, us, and the Donkey Derby and all that. And bad weather as well, eh?

I don't know where the time goes, me. Hang, by the time this letter gets to you, the schools will be back. I was going to say everything will be back to normal, but I'm not too too sure what's normal any more.

I mean, like Jack Torode says, it's not normal for a harbour authority to spend hundreds of thousands of pounds making sure passengers don't use their harbour passenger terminal, eh?

Or for a board that's supposed to look after the environment to uproot a healthy tree, only to find there's not enough room for buses to turn round after all so the tree could have stayed.

I told Jack I blame the Environment for all the bad weather in August, Eugene. After all, they weren't pleased when they were told to put the Town Quay back to two lanes, that's for sure. And they said they'd do it if the weather stayed dry for the workmen. So I reckon they were on the roof of Sir Charles Frossard House deliberately doing a rain dance, mon viaer.

They even tried the usual States' tactic for putting things off: they asked for a UK consultant's report. That's normally good for a few months' delay, eh?

They were probably hoping the report would say they were right all along, but do you know, it said the crossing couldn't stay as it was, but it shouldn't be closed either? I said to Jack, that consultant must have worked for the States before, him. Hang, with a decision like that he could even be a States member.

They said he was a traffic engineer from Bristol and I still can't see what that's got to do with Guernsey. I mean, I don't suppose they have yellow lines or filter-in-turns there, or our narrow roads, and they probably don't have courtesy crossings for cruise passengers either. And it's a city, not a small island. Apart from that it's identical, eh? Jack says the Environment must have used the same logic they use for their planning decisions, Eugene.

I'm not even sure what a traffic engineer does, mon viaer. Perhaps they should have found a pedestrian engineer instead? But when you think, they don't need any sort of engineer, all they need is someone with experience of driving on Guernsey roads, using the courtesy crossing and going into Town. So that's a few hundred locals who could tell them what to do. The trouble is, they'd probably tell them where to go as well, eh?

But it's typical States, mon viaer, saying one thing and doing another. There's the deputy chief minister telling that UK fisheries one that he should stop telling Guernsey what to do, but at the same time there's the Environment asking the UK to tell them how people should cross a road in St Peter Port.

The Policy Council, they've said they'll make a final decision on the crossing next year. But when you think, that's even longer delaying tactics. After all, that's an election year, so they could be just be leaving it for the next States, eh?

I told Jack I bet there's some changes in the Environment and the PSD boards when comes the election. He said if we could vote for the civil servants to the Guernsey Harbours or the planning department, there'd be changes there as well.

I don't know who did the planning with the contractors laying that outfall pipe to Belle Greve, Eugene.

But Bert, from L'Ancresse, he was telling me they might have to use their budget reserve for the project because they've encountered unexpected granite.

He wanted to know how anyone could go digging up the sea bed off Guernsey and not expect to come across granite, eh?

Perhaps it was some unexpected granite that got the fisheries protection vessel. I don't suppose you heard, the Leopardess got damaged in the harbour? It was by the new pontoon they've put for cruise passengers, and there's £3,000-worth of damage, but that Guernsey Harbours, they won't say what happened. Caw, there's a lot secret with them, eh? I mean, they won't say what was in that health and safety report for the White Rock either. Old Jack said any locals would know there's no point trying to keep things like that secret; they know how the Guernsey grapevine works.

The Commerce and Employment, they're going to the States for a replacement Leopardess anyway, mon viaer. They say it could cost over £2m. and it could be built by a Dutch firm. That's not very good for a department that's supposed to support local firms, eh?

Then again, perhaps it needs a lot of specialist rubber fendering round it to protect it from cruise liner tenders. Not that I'm saying that's what happened, mon viaer; I wouldn't dream of suggesting it, eh?

Old Jack was saying £2m. is a hang of a lot for a fisheries protection vessel, but they want to make it multi-purpose, them. Hang, if they let that new police chief have a say in the design, we could end up with a bloney battleship.

Jack was saying they'd have more money to pay for it if they hadn't wasted so much messing up the harbour. But they've already got another plan to get money off us, Eugene. It's the Public Services this time, they want to charge the utilities for repairing the roads after they dig them up. There's some people saying that's a good idea, but I don't see the point, mon viaer. After all, that will be a States department charging States-owned utilities, so it will just be money going round in circles. Caw, I hope someone keeps a check on that then, or the PSD will call it a saving under that financial transformation programme and end up paying half the money to UK consultants.

And you know what will happen, Eugene. I mean, the electric, they've already said they'll pass the charge on to the consumer. And that's another word for taxpayer, eh? So we'll end up paying more money to the utility so the utility can pass it on to the States. This States has a lot of ideas like that, Eugene. People call it a stealth tax, but it seems to me it's about as stealthy as that armed response team when they go to a domestic incident.

Anyway, I'd better finish this now, mon viaer, because I said I'd meet Bert, from L'Ancresse, down to the slip. He was late the other day and I thought he'd got caught up in all the traffic light delays along the front. But he said he'd gone to the Longstore Co-op and he was waiting for a policeman to show him across the courtesy crossing. That's Bert, eh?

I'll write to you again soon, mon viaer,

A la perchoîne,

Your cousin, Emile