A matter of understanding

Cher Eugene,

You know there's people saying this is the worst States ever, mon viaer?

And they never seem to make a decision? Well, the lads to the slip, they were chatting the other day and they said perhaps it's just as well, because they're not very good when they do try and make a decision, eh?

I mean, look at when they changed the Albert Pier and the seafront in Town. Mind you, that wasn't one decision, Eugene. I think they made a different one every day, them.

Now after spending all that money, they're going to leave it to a UK consultant to decide. So they've decided to be indecisive, eh?

It's a bit like the Education, Eugene. You remember they wanted £60m. to build a new school to La Mare de Carteret? And they got told off because they hadn't decided whether they were going to keep the 11-plus, or how many schools Guernsey needed anyway? Well, instead of going away and working it out, they've gone on the internet to ask people to tell them. Caw, school pupils wouldn't get away with that if they did it with their homework, eh?

I said to Jack, if they want everyone else to make the decisions, there's no point having an Education department. So we could save money on their salaries and distribute it to the public in reduced taxes, eh?

Mind you, there's not much chance of taxes being reduced, Eugene, that's for sure. They're already saying their budget for this year is short by £22m., so the price of petrol is going up again.

I don't suppose it helps when the Commerce and Employment decide they need nearly £3m. for a new fisheries protection vessel. Do you know, they didn't even go out to tender, them? Mind you, I don't suppose it would have made any difference. I mean, if the Commerce and Employment wrote the specifications I could see them saying it was open to anyone to tender as long as it was for a new boat, made of aluminium not fibreglass, and built in a place that has dykes and windmills and grows tulips.

When you think, that department's supposed to look after local businesses, Eugene, but it seems to me they've got their mandate mixed up with the Overseas Aid, and they're trying to help other countries instead, eh?

They're responsible for transport links as well, and I suppose you've heard about this new ferry. Caw, they've had engine problems and breakdowns, there's been passengers delayed and sports fixtures cancelled; Jack reckons it's rescheduled its journeys more times than the States have debated Sunday trading.

There was even one time police had to be called to Poole harbour, because passengers were annoyed at being late or out-shipped. I suppose the police here might be pleased though, because it might help with crime reduction. After all, if a criminal had a getaway car with the engine running and a ticket booked for the fast ferry he'd be disappointed; he might as well hand himself in, eh?

Jack said if the C&E want to make the Leopardess multi-purpose, perhaps they should put in a car deck and use it as a back-up. For the price they're quoting he'd expect a helipad as well.

The trouble is, the States haven't got any contract with the ferry company, Eugene, they've just got an understanding or something.

Jack says that's not a word that immediately springs to mind when you think about the States, eh?

And you know how the deputies keep telling us Guernsey's a player on the global stage, and they go on these world trips, and off to the party conferences, them? The chief minister, he even went to Scotland the other week, because he said it was very useful to reinforce Guernsey's links with Scotland. But I was thinking, what links with Scotland? Hang, what we need is decent links with Poole or Weymouth first.

And there were some did a trip to Flamanville and Cap de la Hague, to look at the French nuclear set-up. They came back all pleased, them, because they got the French to sign a memorandum of understanding. Caw, I hope it's better than the one with the ferry company, eh? They say it means the French will keep Guernsey informed of anything that happens, but I thought they were supposed to do that anyway, mon viaer.

And I was thinking, they used to say you only get a four-minute warning; hang, it will probably take longer than that for the French to look up the dialling code for Guernsey.

Perhaps that's another role for a multi-purpose Leopardess, Eugene. If the States members all get into their bunker, the new ship could be used like an ark for the rest of us, eh?

Or they could always get into that armoured Land Rover. You know, the one that new police chief bought a couple of years ago? They took it to Rocquaine and back the other week to make sure it still works. I said to Jack, that's not very environmentally friendly: I mean, think of all those spiders having their cobwebs destroyed.

Talking of police, there's a motorbike run that goes round the island every year for charity and the police have said now they want to charge for the motorbike escorts who go with them. The organisers, they asked if some could do it off duty, but the police said officers can't carry out tasks in uniform while they're off-duty. That's strange, that's not what the Environment said when they were watching all the cruise passengers on the courtesy crossing, eh?

And I don't know if I told you about the police in England, they caught two of the people who were involved in that £2.6m. fraud from the States. They haven't found much of the money, mind. Jack said he heard that when the fraudsters phoned up and said they wanted the money paid into a different bank account, they were told they'd need a secret reference number. And when they said they didn't know it, someone just told them over the phone.

I said to him, that's typical, eh? If you want to change the colour of your windows you have to fill in loads of forms and wait months; if you want to see the health and safety report for the White Rock, or the advice given about the Albert Pier, it's all secret and no one's allowed to know. But if you want a code to get £2.6m. out of a States bank account, they'll tell you over the phone, eh?

Anyway, that wind's gone down now so I'm going to see if there's any blackberries out yet. After all, I haven't had a crumble for over a year, me, eh?

I'll write again soon, mon viaer.

A la perchoîne,

Your cousin,

Emile