Bring on the plastic palm trees

January

The weather in January, it turns bloney cold. There's heavy snowfalls, and cars sliding all over the roads. The police, they tell motorists not to drive unless it's necessary, but everyone ignores that because they know better, eh?

The Environment minister, she defends the government response to the weather, saying people shouldn't have 4x4 cars anyway. And it proves her department was right to spend thousands of pounds putting cycle hoops round the island. After all, if people walk, like they're supposed to, the cycle hoops can be used to scrape snow and ice off their shoes.

There's more criticism of Guernsey from the UK this month, but this time it's from the plain English campaign.

They particularly accuse Guernsey Water of poor English, by using the words, 'efficiency savings' when they really mean 'imposing new charges on customers'.

February

It's the closing date for nominations for the general election this month, and the Bailiff's office confirms that only 38 deputies will be elected instead of the previous 47.

This follows rejection of an amendment from a rebel member of the constitution committee. He suggested that since the States rely on UK consultants to decide almost everything, then one deputy would be enough. All he would need is the phone numbers of 37 consultants, eh?

Guernsey Harbours receives a boost in February when planners give approval for its plans for grey plastic planters round the harbour to 'enhance the visitor experience'. They straight away submit a new application to put plastic flowers in all the planters, and a line of plastic palm trees along the length of the Albert Pier.

March

The Commerce and Employment hold a last-ditch public meeting in March to try to explain why they need a new fisheries protection vessel. A local boatbuilder, he says it's a waste of money, as these days a lot of places are using unmanned drones to check on fishing vessels at sea. He offers to arrange a demonstration so the public can see a drone in action, but many of those attending think he's just inviting them to a States meeting.

The last of the hustings are held this month, but there's a hang of a fuss when the chairman applies a guillotine motion, so some of the candidates don't get a chance to speak.

He justifies his actions by saying he was bored because all the manifestos said the same thing, and anyway it happens in the States so the candidates might as well get used to it, eh?

The French consul holds a press conference to reveal the findings of an investigation into the strange marks found on wood panelling in Victor Hugo's house. She says there's been detailed studies by experts at the Sorbonne and analysis by forensic scientists.

They've concluded that the marks were put there by a white van man from the UK who was working for cash in hand and who got the wrong address. He made the marks to help him put a shelf up straight.

April

There's serious doubts raised about one of the consultants on the sea front working party, when he admits to limited knowledge of islands and maritime affairs. It turns out he thought that when it was high tide in St Peter Port it would be low tide at Vazon, and the tide basically slops from one side of the island to the other. The Environment refuse to deny that he was the one who helped them with advice on the L'Ancresse sea wall.

A consultation paper is produced to help the new States decide whether to continue the policy of improving broadband speed and the digital greenhouse. Results from the online survey show that most people still don't know what a digital greenhouse is, but they think if digital means getting your finger out then the States should get on with it.

The Policy and Resources committee receives a complaint from the US embassy, forwarding a letter from the mayor of the small town of High Networth in Illinois. The mayor wants to know why Guernsey is targeting individuals from his town with leaflets enticing them to go and live in Guernsey.

May

The tourism numbers for the season, they're not looking good, eh?

Those ones from VisitGuernsey, they admit the days of visitors coming for bucket and spade holidays have gone, and they are going to have to look at attracting special interest groups like birdwatchers, or ramblers.

A representative from the motor trade, he says they could start by inviting the national potholing society, because there's plenty for them to see just driving on the island's roads, eh?

The head of Aurigny, he says he's really pleased that the Trislander G-Joey is going to stay in the island after all. He says the original plan was to put it on display in the air museum to Southampton, but it's a lot better to have it in Guernsey, that's for sure.

The only thing that upset him was having to pay an extra fee to change the booking.

Results from the spring cross-country run round the north of the island show significantly slower times than previous years.

Organisers say it's because the runners had to stop at a turnstile and search for change so they could pay to use L'Ancresse common, eh?

June

The true extent of cutbacks to the police service are revealed when on the hottest day of the year a policeman is found collapsed in the second armoured Land Rover. It turns out the police couldn't afford a real armoured one, so to fool criminals they covered an ordinary one in tin foil.

Guernsey Water say they're so pleased with the way their new outfall was built last year, they offer to build a bigger and longer one.

They say they now have the expertise to make one big enough to take cars and long enough to stretch to France. It could even take an electric cable as well to save the expense of burying another one in the sea bed.

Their offer says they also have the expertise to recoup the costs as they have years of experience of constantly putting up consumers' bills to pay for extras.

July

One of the older deputies who was in the last States, he says he's not impressed with the new younger members, him. He says they don't seem to know anything about States' traditions. He says they've been in post for two months now and they haven't once asked to debate Sunday trading, or paid parking, or island-wide voting.

It's the Viaer Marchi again this month, with all the usual attractions and demonstrations of crafts from years gone by, like crab-pot making and finishing guernseys, eh? The National Trust say they try to put on reconstructions of old traditions that haven't been seen in Guernsey for years, and a recent request is for a demonstration of a States member using common sense.

There's still no agreement about where to put the statue of the kicking donkey. The planners say it can't go in the harbour, and there's already a different donkey to Market Square. A survey on social media shows most people think the best place for a statue of a kicking ass would be outside the States, because that's what they need, them, eh?

August

It's the harbour carnival this month, and all the usual attractions are there, like the man-powered flight, the bath tub race, and the competition with those little yellow plastic ducks. After the event, the Round Table gets a call from Guernsey Harbours asking if they could leave the ducks in the harbour. They say if they're moved round to the cruise liner pontoon, the sight of a lot of plastic yellow ducks floating in the sea would be perfect to enhance the visitor experience.

Discussions between the L'Ancresse Commons Council and the golf clubs finally reach an agreement this month. But as the L'Ancresse sea wall suffers more and more damage, parts of the common start to flood regularly. The Commons Council says now it's agreed members' fees and green fees with the golf clubs, it's time to look to the future and start discussing mooring fees, eh?

September

The new Policy and Resources committee, they come under fire this month for their policy of employing consultants from the UK who don't really understand the island. It follows a recommendation from a UK advisor that the Little Chapel should be allowed to fall down. It turns out he's never visited Guernsey and made his recommendation after studying photographs sent to him. He said the chapel was obviously built too small in the first place and from what he could see the outside is so badly cracked it isn't worth repairing.

It's been a year now that that cider company has been using Jersey apples, eh? There were locals to the pub who weren't too too keen when it started, but they admit now the taste is just as good. And on reflection they quite like the idea of taking stuff from Jersey, squashing it all to a pulp, and then selling it back to the Crapauds, eh?

October

Guernsey Harbours say the plastic flowers in the plastic planters make the visitor experience something to remember, and the little yellow ducks make a distinct visual impact on visiting cruise passengers. The Plain English Campaign, they say at least they can't disagree with those words. The Harbours refuse to say if they have more ideas, but at the end of the month the list of planning applications includes a request for plastic garden gnomes along the Albert pier.

After months of speculation, the group giving advice to Sark is unmasked as the Environment committee from the former States. It seems Sarkees became suspicious when the report not only praised the use of bicycles, but also recommended installing small parking spaces at the top of Harbour Hill to encourage the use of small tractors, and making a one-way, horse-only lane round the school.

November

The negotiations with the Medical Specialist Group over their new contract are still going on, and the new health committee, it threatens to take over the service itself if a deal can't be reached. Some of the medical consultants say it wouldn't be capable of running the service, but critics say they could take over gradually. For example, they could start with hypnotherapy treatment, because as politicians they already have expertise in putting people to sleep, eh?

A UK chain store says it has to charge for carrier bags because it has been told it must follow the law in England. The local manager explains that all decisions for the local store are made by its head office, and that's why only last week they took delivery of hundreds of snow chains and were giving away vouchers for half price train tickets on the day of purchase.

December

There's disappointment this month when lots of children gather in Church Square to see Santa switch on the Christmas lights in Town, but he just goes round Church Square without stopping. It turns out the Environment committee officials have re-painted the area to encourage people to use smaller cars, and now Santa's sleigh is too big to fit in the parking spaces.

The new Environment and Infrastructure committee is accused of inexperience after it fails to get the UK Department of Environment and Rural Affairs to remove its fishing ban. Local fishermen say they could do better, them, and send a west coast fisherman off to London. He's back the next day with a deal, him. He says it didn't take him long to realise the UK people didn't really know anything about Guernsey, or about fishing, so he got them to remove their ban by promising Guernsey fishermen would impose their own restrictions. So from now on there's a complete ban on anyone trawling for ormers, eh?

Aen Bouanne Annaie

from Emile