No end to piers plans

Cher Eugene,

BY THE time you get this letter the new States will have had their first meeting, Eugene.

And it's about time, too. Caw, the new members must think they're onto a good thing: they have a couple of meetings and then they start their summer break, eh?

And their first meeting shouldn't be difficult. It's the former Treasury minister telling everyone the black hole's got bigger, even though the last States promised it wouldn't. So that's no surprise then.

He's head of the new Policy and Resources committee now and they're supposed to come up with a plan for the whole States, but that won't be ready until November.

When you think, out of a four-year term, the first six months will be gone before they get started, them.

And the trouble is, mon viaer, until these new committees get going it's the civil servants who are running the show. Jack Torode, he said with some of the new candidates that could be for the best. With some of the old ones as well, eh?

That might work for some committees, Eugene, but there's some who shouldn't be let loose on their own. I mean, look what happens when those ones to Guernsey Harbours are left to make decisions.

They say they want a commercial partner to help them develop the Crown Pier now. I suppose they've done their worst with the Albert and now they're starting on the next one.

Mick, from Fermain, he said they don't seem to realise it doesn't need developing; it's been there for a few hundred years already.

He said the toilets and marina facilities need a tidy up, but the pier belongs to the States, so that means the people of Guernsey. How can civil servants say they'll share some of it with a private company without asking the States?

The lads to the slip, they said if it follows the normal pattern there'll be thousands spent on consultants instead of asking locals. It could end up with traffic lights halfway down the pier, and a couple of policemen standing by a crossing. I said, don't forget the grey plastic planters, eh?

But with the harbour, I didn't realise how bad it's got to the White Rock, mon viaer. There's barriers and gates and even fences with barbed wire on top now. Can you believe that? Jack says the only thing missing is a German sentry post.

It looks really bad for visitors, Eugene. But then, the ones to Guernsey Harbours, they don't seem to mind what things look like. After all, they think big grey Lego bricks enhance St Peter Port, them.

Mick was saying the trouble is they just want a commercial harbour, so they don't like cars parked to the piers for free; they think they should make money out of them.

I suppose that former Treasury one would agree now, eh?

Perhaps it's the same to the hospital, mon viaer, because they're going to start issuing fixed penalty notices for cars there. Or perhaps that last transport strategy didn't get dropped after all, and it's still a plan to get people out of their cars and onto buses or bikes.

The lads were saying it could stop people going to the hospital if they don't need to. After all, if you're really ill you won't drive because an ambulance will take you to hospital, but if you're fit enough to walk or ride a bus then you don't need treatment, eh?

Perhaps that's the idea to Admiral Park as well, Eugene. The developers, they put 700 spaces for cars in their plans, but the planners say they will only approve 450.

Perhaps they think the finance houses should organise their workers into walking buses, like the schools do with the children.

Talking of parking, I don't know if you have parking clocks where you are, but I heard the States are going to make ours brown, instead of blue. It's something to do with each of the new committees having its own corporate colour. You'd think the States had better things to spend money on, eh?

I said to Jack, that sounds like a consultant's idea if ever I heard one, Eugene. Perhaps they heard Policy and Resources say they'd like to be black, instead of spending all the time in the red, them?

And you know the old clocks were issued by the Traffic Committee? Well, the new ones are going to be issued by the Traffic and Highway Services, which is an operational unit of the Committee for the Environment and Infrastructure. I said to Jack, they'll have to make the clocks bigger as well just to take the name, eh?

With titles like that it's no surprise it's costing so much to change the letterheads for the new committees. Hang, every letter will have to be at least two pages-long because the first page will be used up with the name of the department.

I don't know why they keep having to change all these names anyway, Eugene.

When you think, we don't even have a police force any more, it's a law enforcement agency or something.

I don't know if it's any better, mind, but it needs more car parking spaces to Le Tourgand which the old police didn't need.

Jack said it includes the border agency as well, or whatever they call the Customs these days. He said they've been warning fishermen to watch out for illegal immigrants from France who might try to get to Guernsey.

At least the Guernsey Harbours have helped prevent that, Eugene. After all, if anyone came ashore and got caught up with the cruise passengers, they'd end up being shepherded through a tent and into a long line along the Albert Pier, then funnelled across a crossing before they knew what was happening. The police could just pick them all up in Church Square, eh?

I suppose some could try to get to Alderney, but it's not so easy to England from there.

But did you hear that Alderney was thinking about buying that Royal Mail ship, the St Helena? It used to go to the island of St Helena, but they've built a new airport there so they won't need the ship any more.

Mind you, it was on the news how they can't use the new airport because of wind shear on the edge of the cliffs, so the boat might be needed after all.

Jack said they must have used the same consultants as the States, eh?

The lads were saying if Alderney got a proper mailboat they could end up with a better ferry service than Guernsey. And when you think, they're already ahead of us when it comes to looking at tidal power.

Caw, that would be a turn-up if Guernsey became dependent on Alderney in the future, eh?

I wonder if the new Policy and Resources president will suddenly start being really nice to the Alderney representatives, Eugene.

Anyway, it's hedge-cutting time again here, and I said I'd give Jack a hand with his douit, so I'll finish this now and write again soon.

A la perchoîne,

Your cousin,

Emile