Bring on the permanent sunshine

Cher Eugene,

YOU know I've said before how Guernsey's changed since you left, mon viaer? And not for the better, eh? Well, it turns out everything will be all right after all, Eugene. That president of the Policy & Resources, he's got a plan, him.

He's got a vision that in 20 years' time people in Guernsey will be happier and healthier, with a better quality of life, we'll have friendly communities back and a vibrant economy as well. It all sounds good, except he also said the States will balance the books. That made me realise it was just a fantasy, eh?

Jack Torode said the only thing missing was children dancing hand in hand down Smith Street and all-year-round sunshine.

He said they had ideas like that in the '60s; perhaps there'll be strawberry fields to the roundabout and a yellow submarine in the harbour, eh?

I have to say, I'm not too too sure about plans that look 20 years into the future anyway, Eugene. I mean, with our States, they could still be debating some of them in 20 years' time.

They're going to debate the education all over again and the waste strategy still isn't finished yet. And now there's this brand-new IDC plan as well. Hang, it took them three days just to get through the amendments for that, so they still have to discuss the plan itself.

And it seems they had a bit of problem with Stan Brouard's garden centre again. You know they've wanted a cafe there for years, eh? Well, it turns out they've never had permission to sell anything there, and under the planning laws, any retail activity is unlawful. And would you believe, it's the same with the Alliance as well?

When you think, they're big businesses, mon viaer, and they've been there a few years, them. You'd think the planners would have noticed them by now, eh?

Mind you, there's some who wouldn't notice when someone asks for £2.6m. to be sent to the wrong place, or when drugs money goes missing from the Customs, eh, Eugene?

The funny thing is, the planners say they can't force the garden centre to close now because it's been trading for more than 10 years, but they can't make it lawful either unless it applies for retrospective permission. And the centre says it won't do that because that would give the planners the chance to refuse permission. So they're just going to carry on trading unlawfully. Jack said it could only happen in Guernsey.

But the States are going to try and find a way to let them build a cafe. They'll probably have to change the rules, mind, because otherwise they could be accessories to unlawful activity.

Jack said it's normally a different type of cafe where people keep looking over their shoulders in case the police turn up, eh?

I suppose things could change if the States get round to debating it in November, but then they're supposed to be talking about education again, and there's the Budget to be agreed as well.

Mind you, there won't be much change to the Budget, Eugene. It's just the same old story, putting up taxes and prices so the ordinary Guernseyman pays more.

Jack said for someone who can have a vision of life 20 years in the future, the P&R president doesn't show much imagination, just putting up cigarettes and alcohol and petrol every year.

If he wants us to be happier and wealthier in the future he's not doing much to help with his Budget, that's for sure.

He did say the States will play its part by reducing expenditure and making efficiency savings, but we all know that's just fantasy world again, eh?

And did you know, he says he has to put up petrol because sales have gone down, so the States isn't getting so much in tax? But when you think, they keep trying to get everyone out of their cars and onto buses or electric cars, so it's their fault.

And it just means the tax will have to go up more as time goes on. I said to Jack Torode, caw, the last person still using a petrol car in the future will be paying thousands of pounds per litre, eh?

But the petrol companies, caw, they were quick, them. The ink wasn't dry on his Budget proposals before they'd rushed out and changed their forecourt prices, even though the Budget hasn't been approved yet. I said to Jack, if the proposals get rejected I bet they're not so quick to give money back to the motorists.

He said it's a good job the pubs didn't put their prices up straight away as well. If old Jacques had to go and ask for a month's-worth of money back, his wife might find out how many pints he drinks, eh?

Talking of buses, the Environment have announced 12 new ones coming next year. They're supposed to be a bit thinner and not quite as long. Well, they couldn't be any longer, mon viaer, or they'd need cow-catchers on the front.

But they'll have wifi and charging hubs and CCTV and they can take more passengers as well. I don't know how they can fit all that in and be smaller, Eugene; perhaps they forgot some basic things, like seats.

Talking of budgets, you know States projects are not supposed to overspend like they used to? Well, I saw a bit on the Press the other day about how they'd repointed the Victoria Tower last year. They were only going to do the first 15ft or so, using lime and mortar, but they had some left so they carried on higher because that needed doing as well. That made a lot of sense, mon viaer, so that was unusual, eh?

It cost £54,000 more to do the extra bit, but they didn't have to ask for more money, they just took it from the Backlog Property Maintenance Allocation. I don't know about you, Eugene, but I can't find anyone who's heard of that; I think they just made it up. It sounds like a few fivers the foreman keeps in his back pocket to pay for extras.

Jack was saying if it's money that should be spent maintaining States properties like schools, there should be loads there.

The lads to the slip, they were asking how many other secret funds the States has hidden away that no one knows about. Mind you, the way they're spending money there won't be anything left in any of them soon. They're even using up the rainy day fund to pay for zero-10.

I said to Jack, the only fund with any money in the future will be the Increasing Taxes Collected From Locals Fund.

And everyone can see that will just keep growing.

Well, everyone except those living in dream world, eh, Eugene?

A la perchoîne,

Your cousin,

Emile