Slow down... and learn to say ‘no’

AS SOMEONE who works at the coalface of mental health awareness and recognises the need for all of us to not beat ourselves up so much, I thought I had mindfulness pretty much sussed.

Seems not.

Mindful Guernsey teamed up with Guernsey Mind to put on a day-long self-compassion course and as I am in the throes of buying a house and moving on yet again, my stress levels have been a bit up there of late.

A dose of self-compassion sounded like a plan but nothing could have prepared me for the emotional depths you have to dive into to realise that in today’s life of self-imposed stress and activity, beating yourself up comes as standard on almost a daily basis.

I have a history of not always being as kind to myself as I should be, so the idea of a day spent finding ways to give myself some credit – and some head space – was a gift.

I don’t think any of us who turned up for the course was prepared for how emotional it can be to actually face up to those negative voices that batter away at our confidence every day.

‘You would never speak to anyone so negatively as you do yourself’, said Ali Lambie, one of the course instructors who has a masters degree in teaching mindfulness-based courses with the University of Bangor, where she is also a guest teacher.

And she is so right. Only days prior I had found myself in a right pickle as I had double-booked myself for a Swimarathon team and a night course with a friend who had been looking forward to this for weeks.

I had to let someone down. My nasty-head voice was telling me off for not having looked at my diary. It was calling me a bad friend, a disorganised airhead and an unreliable person who is always ducking and diving and often going in circles, achieving not very much. I realised at the end of the course that this is the voice I choose to hear instead of the softer, kinder non-judgemental one which we all have, but tend to ignore.

The course taught me to listen to that kinder voice, saying that my problem is that I try to be too kind, and try to please too many people and I simply have to say ‘no’ at times, for my own sake.

I should be patting myself on the back for being effective in a job I adore, being a good friend and always at least attempting to be kind and there for others.

‘You are not able to put out the fire for others if your well is empty’, says Steve Wharmby, a mindfulness guru from Jersey who co-delivered the workshop.

As my well has been in drought status for some time, I totally get where he is coming from.

It sounds trite but it is true. We all stretch ourselves too thin, we try to do too much too often, then get upset and annoyed with ourselves if we fall short of our own expectations.

The course tutors were very keen that we slow down and I don’t think I have ever spent a whole day sitting, thinking, reflecting on... well, not much really, while feeling energised and strangely calm as a result.

Mindfulness, and learning to focus upon and live within the moment is a key life-skill, but an injection of much needed self-compassion put the exercise into a whole new (very pleasant) dimension.

Emily Litten, operations director at Guernsey Mind says the one-day workshop was a huge success.

‘This is only the start of empowering islanders to be a more self-compassionate community so all the profits from this event will go towards a five-day workshop next year. We can then learn to deliver the course ourselves locally and to make it more widely available.’

She stressed that the charity also ensures that free places are available.

Says Ali: ‘[Steve and I] both found it to be a profound day and a delight to be able to spend it with such a wide range of people.’

Steve explained that the event was a real first and the collaboration with Guernsey Mind had proved so successful that everyone is looking forward to hosting another joint event.

‘Co-facilitating the workshop in Guernsey was a great experience. It was the first time I had worked alongside Ali and I really valued her experience. I was also very impressed by how well the event had been organised by Nicky Jenkins of Mindful Guernsey.

‘Above all, however, it was great to see the interest and the willingness of the participants. Self-compassion can be so beneficial but it takes courage to be open to difficult emotions. I have personally found it very supportive in my management of anxiety when presenting and facilitating groups. I hope that the day provided a useful overview of the full MSC course and that as a result participants might begin to find their compassionate voice.’

I know that where mindfulness is concerned I feel I barely scratched the surface and my brief taste has made me want to investigate the eight-week course delivered by Mindful Guernsey.

The self-compassion taster was a good start though, and while physically I did very little all day I did leave feeling absolutely drained.

So home I went for a long soak and a night in, doing nothing very much, pleasing nobody but myself. And it was bliss.

• Go to guernseymind.org.gg for more information and details of how to contact the organisation.