‘You are not a better person just because you eat quinoa’

YOU have been warned.

The man known as ‘the world’s most feared restaurant critic’ is coming to Guernsey to perform his live show called The Ten (Food) Commandments and he says he will be reviewing a local establishment for his column in The Observer newspaper.

However, throughout our interview Jay Rayner is at pains to point out that he is a ‘nice guy’ despite his legendary reputation, even though at one point he berates me for ‘not doing enough research’ when I ask him his opinion on local, regional food (apparently he wrote a 100,000-word book on the subject).

He also gives me short shrift when I ask what food trends he predicts for the future (he doesn’t ‘do’ predictions).

To be fair though, I think I had run over our 30-minute time slot.

‘I push open every restaurant door with hope in my heart – I don’t go to a place with the intention of giving a bad review,’ he said.

‘No one reads my columns to hear about the lamb being undercooked, they want to come on a journey with me, so I have to make it interesting.

‘I am aware of my lofty perch and privilege, and I know the impact of a bad review, but I think Guernsey restaurateurs can rest easy.’

When Rayner makes a reservation he does it under a pseudonym and he chooses restaurants which have a story to tell.

‘I would be an idiot if I didn’t review one meal in Guernsey. I’m flying in the day before the show so I have time. It’s my first visit to Guernsey and I check blogs and I have a list of potential places to eat.

‘The longer I do this job the more I tend to avoid the fancy tasting menus – a seafood place would be the obvious choice.’

The one-man shows came about because Rayner wants to avoid being on food panels.

‘I hate them because they’re boring, and you end up sitting opposite someone who disagrees with absolutely everything you say and you get nowhere.

‘The only way I could think of avoiding this was to do a one-man show.’

The 10 (Food) Commandments sees him playing a sort of culinary Moses bringing us the new foodie rules to live by.

His favourite commandment is: ‘Thou shalt not mistake pharmaceuticals for food.’

‘It’s a load of cobblers, anything that mentions superfoods, or antioxidants or free radicals, it’s just rubbish.

‘I detest these exclusionist food fads and the hashtag, clean-eating dogma permeating our social-media-frenzied culture right now. They moralise about food and they will tell you that you should eat clean and that’s the way to a spiritual life, but there’s no medical support for it whatsoever.

‘We all have a responsibility to our own bodies, but clean eating really infuriates me.

‘You are not a better person just because you eat quinoa.

‘The gendered element of it is also very troubling – women’s magazines are always talking about “guilt-free desserts” and the moralising is so obnoxious.’

Another of Mr Rayner’s pet peeves is ‘wacky’ serving plates.

‘The ludicrous belief that your dinner will be improved because it’s been served to you in a miniature wheelbarrow or they’ve put your ribs in a miniature galvanised dustbin, or your oysters are on a slate. Slates are great on the top of houses, but bad for food.

‘At a Yorkshire restaurant I was once given bread in a flat cap. All I could think was, is this a second-hand flat cap? And if it is, whose head has been in my bread basket?’

Even though Rayner does not do predictions about food trends (‘no, they’re always wrong’), I have to ask him about the rise in popularity of vegetarian and vegan food.

‘It’s true we should eat less meat and fish – the impact of red meat on the environment is well documented.

‘I enjoy vegetarian food, I’m always bigging up non-meat cooking, but I’m not convinced about veganism because as a species we are omnivores.

‘We’re moving away from the days when the waiters would say, “here’s the menu, oh and this is the vegetarian option”, and that to me is a positive thing.’

Rayner has been a food critic for The Observer for 20 years, he is also a guest judge on Masterchef.

So, is there a downside to this apparent dream job?

‘Well my body is not quite my own.

‘I have to go to the gym four or five times a week, I’m always battling the extra pounds, although to be honest I wasn’t slender when I started this job.

‘I know that sounds a little bit “oh poor old me, I’m forced to eat all this fabulous food for free”, but my weight is a long, unending war and dealing with the fat-shamers is hard.’

Sometimes when I interview someone for the paper and I’m typing the story up, I think of a great question that I should have asked.

I wonder how much of his cantankerous persona is just a show for the television cameras, newspaper editors and book publishers.

He was an absolute delight to interview – incredibly eloquent, funny and opinionated.

My impression is that underneath the slightly snobbish, angry-man exterior, there is a polite, big-hearted person with an earnest love of food and writing.

The fact that he goes to the gym four or five times a week because he is worried about his girth suggests a vulnerability and an insecurity that does not match the entitled and boisterous personality he presents to the world.

There is a question and answer session after the talk at St James, so if someone could ask that question and let me know, I would really appreciate it.

• Jay Rayner is appearing on Friday 7 June at St James and tickets are available through the St James website, stjames.gg.