The joys and challenges of Mother's Day

WHAT is Mother’s Day?

Chocolates, flowers, going out for a meal, fun, laughter, feeling blessed, a happy day, feeling grateful for our mothers, feeling grateful to be a mum?

That’s what it means to many people, but it can be easy to forget that Mother’s Day is not a day of celebration for everyone. Think of the women who never became mothers, or who have lost a baby. What about those with a strained relationship with their mother, or whose mother has passed away?

Allowing ourselves to take a moment to imagine how they must feel helps us to realise that Mother’s Day means different things to different people.

All of our experiences vary and, while it is wonderful to enjoy the day, it is also appropriate to be mindful of those around us who may not be experiencing the same joy as us.

Our journeys of life and motherhood are similar in many respects, but can differ vastly in others.

I was adopted as a baby. My adoptive mother was delighted to become my mother and as soon as I was placed in the arms of my parents their world changed, and so did mine. That first Mother’s Day for us as a family of three would have been wonderful. Prior to that, the day was very hard for them.

My birth mother would have had a different experience on that first Mother’s Day after I was adopted.

As I grew up, Mother’s Day applied to one special person: my mum. At school we were encouraged to make a card or write a poem every year. As I left school and started work, the yearly present and card tradition continued.

Then one day I met the man who is now my husband and all of a sudden Mother’s Day in my world involved two women: my mum and my now mother-in-law. Each year there were now two cards and two gifts to buy.

Then, years later, I became a mother myself.

The support for local mums in Guernsey is incredible and continues to grow and develop and really has helped us over the years. On that first Mother’s Day that I was a mum, while I was still adjusting to my new routine (or lack of!) – my new tousled hairdo, my new sleep schedule (or again lack of!), the change in hormones and body – suddenly an envelope appeared with my name on it. It was a Mother’s Day card and it was for me!

Mother’s Day now included my mum, my mother-in-law and me. Life was good. Mother’s Day was flowers, chocolates, fun, laughter, appreciation of children. I couldn’t imagine it ever being anything else.

Then one sad day, years later, at 17 weeks of pregnancy I became a mother again, but this time there was no cot next to my bed, no sleepless nights or nappy changes.

Yes, I was still a mother but five months later when Mother’s Day loomed on the horizon my emotions felt very different to all the years before. My perspective had dramatically shifted. All of a sudden I was aware of all the other mothers with similar sad stories. They had always been there. I had heard of them but had never seen them as vividly as I did now.

I had an invitation to speak at a church family service on Mother’s Day. I hesitated. Surely this was a really bad idea? Me, taking the stage five months after loss, facing a full church of adults of all ages, children clutching their hand-made posies, eyes full of hope and happiness. What would I say? How would I feel? What if I cried?

I decided that since this opportunity had fallen into my lap, I was going to go for it. I told humorous parenting anecdotes. Everyone laughed. As I was introducing myself and my family, I mentioned loss and took that brief moment in between more light-hearted subject matter to address the reality that Mother’s Day isn’t always chocolates and flowers. Mother’s Day isn’t always comfortable for everyone, not only because of loss of a child but due to loss of a mother or inability to conceive. For the first time in my life my eyes were opened to truly see these women who sit and walk among us daily. After the service I was surprised by the number of women young and old who came up to me and shared their story. They had never heard loss mentioned in a Mother’s Day service before and I could tell in their eyes they were grateful that on this Mother’s Day they had been seen.

The journey to motherhood is beautiful. There are tears and there is joy. A friend once told me: ‘Jo, you will cry more than you have before but you will also laugh more than you have before’.

Let those who are hurting know you’re thinking of them. Let the mothers around you know how special they are, and that they’re doing a great job – we always like to know that.

Your journey may not look like mine. You have had your own history, you are on your own path, you have shed tears when no one was looking, you have cried with laughter at the funny things your children have said and done. This is your day, enjoy it.

Do you know that to a young child their mother is the most perfect being in their eyes? Yes, I know it can be hard to believe, but it’s true. I remember a dear, wise friend encouraging a group of new mums to sing to their babies. She told us that to your baby your voice is perfect. I saw a few raised eyebrows at this suggestion and heard a few giggles at the thought that anyone could love their voice but it’s true. She went on to explain that babies love that reciprocal contact, love to hear their mother’s voice and singing is good for a baby’s development and for mum’s wellbeing too.

You may not see your perfection, but your child does.

If you have experienced pain on the path of motherhood, you are not alone. Your journey is ongoing and you will meet more wise women along the way to encourage and inspire you.

For those of you who have experienced loss or who are waiting to become mothers, I know that articles like this can be difficult to read and that the day itself is hard. You are not alone. There are many like-minded people in Guernsey who are willing to help. It is good to talk and get advice and know that others completely understand you.

Mother’s Day started as being all about my mum, then also my mother-in-law, then me. Now all of a sudden Mother’s Day in my world involves each and every one of you. Intertwined together all of our lives and varied experiences, the good, the sad, the flowers, the chocolates, the storm clouds, the rainbows all serve a purpose to form this intricate and all-encompassing beautiful tapestry of lives that illustrates ultimately one beautiful expression of Mother’s Day.

• Jo Le Page is a local stay at home mum and writer. You can follow her on: freshbreadandfaith.wordpress.com; instagram.com/freshbreadandfaith; facebook.com/freshbreadfaith

Coping with Mothers’ Day

Whether you are a child or an adult, whether it has been two months or 20 years, when have lost your mum, Mother’s Day can be hard. The loss is permanent, and for some that one day and the leadup to it are constant reminders of that loss. Feeling upset and emotional is inevitable but it’s also part of the grieving process. Love and simple acknowledgement from friends and family can make a world of difference, as can sharing memories, doing something in her honour, or simply practising some self-care to enable you to get through the day the best way you can.

• If you need support, then the Guernsey Bereavement Service provides counselling and information to any adult struggling to come to terms with a significant loss, enabling them to work through their grief in a safe, confidential and supportive environment with the help of fully trained counsellors. Contact admin@gbs.org.gg or call 257778.

• If you are struggling to cope with the loss of a baby, Guernsey Sands is a local charity which helps grieving parents. They hold monthly support meetings and are contactable by private message over social media or by calling 07781 103435.

A Mother’s Day to remember

WITH many people in Guernsey self-isolating or social distancing at the moment, making Mother’s Day seem special might be a little more challenging than usual. But there are still plenty of ways to show you care.

You might decide it’s wise to avoid taking your mum out for the usual slap-up lunch, but many local restaurants are now offering takeaways so you could always bring the food to her, or even make the lunch yourself. Alternatively, give her a voucher for a meal you can enjoy together in future, hopefully happier, times.

Perhaps you could stay at home and watch a film together, or you could offer to do some gardening or household jobs for her.

If a visit is out of the question, make an effort to call, Skype or Facetime to show you are thinking of her. Arrange for flowers, chocolates or some other treat to be delivered to her door, preferably with a thoughtful, hand-written card attached.

Consider giving her something that will help pass the time if she’s stuck indoors for a while, such as a good book. Or how about some pamper products to help lift her spirits in these unsettling times?

Whatever you decide to do, just remember the thought really does count.