VIDEO The new Land Rover Discovery
By Damian Wrigley IF THERE'S one thing I've really noticed during my 27 years of living in Guernsey, it's that we Guerns have one element that binds us together – our gluten, if you will.
No, not a mutual dislike of Jersey. Not the desire to get something for free. It is that we are all, to a one, massive hypochondriacs.
So with that in mind, I'm popping on my public service hat and today bring you the perfect car for the Guern, the new Land Rover Discovery Sport.
As indestructible as Captain America's shield, this is a doomsday machine for everyone whose life-o-meter dial is constantly set to 'glass half empty'.
This beauty would easily stare down the worst weather the island endures and literally get you to the church on time.
Heck, you could go on a driving holiday through southern Ukraine and come out without a scratch.
With seven seats you could even fit in all the people needed for a peace conference, too.
Quick family tree lesson – at the top of the game, Land Rover are going to have the luxury Range Rover and the Evoque. Further down they are replacing the work-horse Defender with another Defender and here in the middle sits the new Disco range, as the old Freelander heads out to pasture for some well-earned retirement.
You'll note the styling on this thing has huge inspiration from the Evoque and the previous Disco model has been cast aside for the smoothed lines and curved finishes.
Inside there's a brand new centre console, with software from the mind of sci-fi movie director JJ Abrams. As easy to use as a kettle, it neatly guides you through all the available settings, tells you how to turn the car into a mobile-WiFi hotspot, points you in the right direction of the radar-assisted parking and informs you of how to get the most out of the 10 (yes, 10) speakers.
There's even a little hook where you can attach the takeaway bag so your curry doesn't tip out on the first corner.
But don't let all these niceties fool you. This is a pretty car, this, with Scarlett Johansson looks. But underneath, it's full-on Bear Grylls. The four-wheel drive system will let you drive over any terrain known to man, so when the next storm hits and washes all the roads away, you can aim the nose of the Discovery over the beach, select sand mode and set off.
How do I know? Because we did it. I've never driven on sand, but can report it feels like when you have a numb hand and pick up a cup – that sort of loosely-disconnected sensation.
It handled dry sand, deep sand, wet sand and even a flock of seagulls. It never, not once, skipped a beat. This machine turns Guernsey's coastline into a 365 day a year treat.
There we are then, the new Discovery, the car you want sitting on your driveway in case the four horsemen of the apocalypse come riding over the horizon.
Actually, come to think of it, they'll probably be driving one of these.
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