Milking it

Cher Eugene,

CAW, there’s a lot happened since my last letter, Eugene. The first island-wide election, it went pretty well, I have to say. It was afterwards all the surprises happened, eh?

You know that P&R president, who did all the coronavirus briefings? He got the most votes, and he wanted to be P&R president again, him. But the new States members, they decided that advocate should do it instead, eh?

Caw, he was really cross, Eugene. Jack said when he smiled to congratulate his successor, it was through gritted teeth so tight a conger would have been jealous, eh?

I met the lads to the slip on Budloe night, and they were saying he’d tried everything to get himself elected. He even held a meeting of that civil contingencies authority the day before the election.

And he formed that party that wasn’t a party, so he expected them to vote for him, eh?

To be fair, the new P&R president, he offered him a place on the new P&R, but he didn’t want that, mon viaer.

And later he said he’d do the States trading board, but only if he could decide who the other members would be. Mick, from Fermain, he said it sounded like he wasn’t happy just to be a deputy, he wanted to be in charge of his own States, eh?

He didn’t even take the board of health job, which no one else wanted, so he’s ended up not on any committee at all, not even as a member. Jack said he should have thought, it could mean he has to buy his own coffee now, instead of getting it at committee meetings.

He said he must be annoyed at that one from St Martin’s, the one with the beard and the bike, because he got voted as president of two committees. He could be on double espressos, eh?

Then again, like Jack said, he’s still a deputy, it just means he’ll have a bit more time to himself. Jack said if he’s got a vinery he could try growing tomatoes, instead of what seems like a particular type of grapes, eh?

And for all that talk about how Guernsey should have political parties, one party didn’t get any members elected at all. So there’s only one party in the States. Together with some people from that one that isn’t, eh?

I said to the lads, the States is supposed to be made up of people who act for the good of Guernsey, so really it’s already a party of 40 independents, eh?

Jack said with some of the bickering and game playing in the last States, it sometimes looked like a children’s party. And even now some who didn’t get re-elected are throwing their toys out, eh?

I don’t know if things will get done quicker with this new States, Eugene, but there’s still road closures that seem to last forever. Mick was saying there’s repairs to St Julian’s Avenue been going on for weeks. They even turned off the pedestrian traffic lights and told people to find somewhere else safe to cross. He said if they’d done that to Richmond corner, they could have saved thousands eh?

And you remember Rue Marguerite, where the old prison was? That’s going to be closed for a year and half while they build an ugly office block there. Jack said he’s surprised a developer can close a road for a whole 18 months. Some of the prison inmates didn’t get that long for breaking the law, eh?

Talking of ugly buildings, you remember the Idlerocks, mon viaer? Well, young Pierre can’t remember it as a working hotel, and he’s in his 20s. That shows you how long it’s been, eh?

It was going to be rebuilt with a big house attached. But the developers have asked now if they can put a house there without the hotel as part of the deal.

The lads all said they can see what’s going on there, and you, mon viaer?

And there was one of those artist’s impressions of what the hotel could look like, but I think they must have just borrowed some old plans from Festung Guernsey.

We were all saying, this new States needs to do something about the planning laws, that’s for sure. I mean, the planners have said now there can be 11 houses built on a green field by the Vale School.

One of their constables, he said it includes a piece of land that’s designated as a protected green area. What’s the point of labelling it like that if you can include it in a housing estate? I said it sounds as much use as the States saying something’s a priority, eh?

Young Pierre said there’s all this talk of being environmentally friendly and looking after nature these days; he said if it’s big enough to build 11 houses on, it’s big enough to keep as a green field, eh?

Talking about buildings, I told you the dairy are looking for somewhere new, eh? Bert said it shouldn’t take long to find a new site, if they can find a field in the Vale they’ll get permission in no time.

But they’ve said it might take until 2024 because they have to try and find a dairy consultant. Mick wanted to know why the dairy needs a dairy consultant, he said surely they should know about it themselves?

But then, the dairy are complaining that people aren’t buying as much milk these days, and they’re trying to decide what to do about that. Caw, that got the lads going, mon viaer. They were all saying Guernsey milk is the best milk, from the best cows, and everyone knows how good it is. They said hang, people should be clamouring for it. If a dairy in the home country can’t find a market and make some really premium products with it, it’s no wonder they need a consultant, eh?

Jack said that’s something for the new States trading board to sort out. He said they could ask some former members for help, if they’re not still crying over spilt milk, them.

Talking of planners, there’s approval now for that idea for a floating restaurant in the QEII Marina, Eugene. Bert said he’s not surprised, him. They’ve nearly filled up the land in the north, now they’re having to put new buildings in the sea.

We did all the jokes about it, Eugene: how they’d have to be careful serving soup in an east wind on a high tide. And how customers who want the catch of the day might have to put a line over the side while they have their pre-dinner drink. It kept us going for quite a bit, mon viaer.

Anyway, I’d better get this letter in the post, because I don’t like to go out late now it gets dark so quick.

Apart from darker evenings, we had some storms and really strong winds in October, us. Young Pierre was saying about a change in the law here, so people are allowed to have clifftop weddings now. He said if it’s too wet and windy the guests won’t need top hats and tails, they’ll need crampons and grappling hooks.

I said if it’s one of those really strong Atlantic storms, when the bride throws her bouquet over her shoulder it could be a lady in Jersey who catches it, eh?

A la perchoîne!

Your cousin, Emile