You get out what you put in

‘YOU get out what you put in’ was an expression my late dad used all the time. A motivational mantra to get us to do more homework or to encourage me to continue working on a pet project. When we were in the middle of GCSE revision, exhausted and demoralised and didn’t want to work any harder, it was actually very irritating and I think he rather enjoyed that.

When it comes to school, work or sport, it makes perfect sense that the more you practise, the better you get. Albeit it is not always about hours worked; putting more effort into being more efficient, building a team or delegating better is also a sure-fire way to get more out in the long run.

I am not just talking about money here either, whatever your goal, the argument is that the more you invest, the better your likely return.

What I understood less when I was younger – and to be fair, I am not sure my dad had considered this angle – was how this could be applied to our emotional lives. We certainly never talked about it in that context yet I did try to apply it in all aspects of my life as I grew up. In fact, I misunderstood this for most of my youth, investing more and more in all jobs, projects, friendships and relationships, without distinction, hoping for a bigger or better outcome.

I learned the hard way that people are a little trickier to control than exam revision. You can’t make someone like you more, no matter how hard you try. You can’t just set out a goal for love or friendship and then follow the steps to achieve it. Well, you can, but it might not work out quite the way you envisaged. The elusive nature of other people’s affections is the subject of most art and literature. In fact, in that context, putting in more effort can often be detrimental. Less is often more.

In terms of work, it is also not always the case that working harder than anyone else will get you recognition. The working world can be complex and finding your place and being content in your role takes more than just long hours and meeting deadlines. You need to demonstrate your uniqueness to a team that values those skills and attributes.

As basic as the sentence ‘You get out what you put in’ seems, I now understand that there is a subtlety to it.

The more open you are about how you feel and who you are, what you worry about and what makes you tick, the more you allow people to engage; the richer and more fulfilling your life becomes and the more you get out of it. The easier it is for your employer to make the most of you and for you to find your best fit in all aspects of life.

Reading Matt Fallaize’s great interview with Ladies’ College principal Daniele Harford-Fox last week reminded me how hard it can be to be honest and how many of us, myself included, need to get back to doing more of it. It is a natural instinct to hold things back in a small community, to become a more muted or socially acceptable version of ourselves for fear of upsetting others, yet in doing so we prevent true connection and limit our potential contribution, which can be really important on an island as small as this one.

We are all much more open with one another when we feel no one is hiding anything but it is not always easy to do. Who goes first? It’s often a game of chicken – who will keep their mask on the longest without cracking? Importantly, making that brave first move can quickly inspire others to follow suit.

We all feel the pressure of expectations. These can be completely different depending on who we are with and where we are, yet we are the same individual all of the time underneath our carefully crafted ‘costumes’, whether we like it or not. You can only do you. Or as the American cartoonist Dr Seuss wisely said: ‘Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no-one alive who is Youer than You.’

We all feel we are supposed to be someone else either some or all of the time and this leaves us all at varying degrees of distance from our real selves.

I see this in a work context all the time – people wearing what they feel they should wear, saying what they feel they should say, not contradicting others even when they disagree, not standing up for themselves or what they believe in and giving positive feedback for an event that they didn’t enjoy, for example. I’m not advocating being impolite or unprofessional, but I am advocating being honest with ourselves and tapping into more of what we all have to offer.

The thing is that we are supposed to be ourselves and as we are all so different, that’s what makes it so interesting. I know I now sound like a Disney movie, but it is true.

The only thing that has stopped me being myself over time has been other people not being comfortable with me being myself. That says a lot about who I am and how much I value the opinions of others (too much) and also a lot about how we are all conditioned to conform. It feels easier to try to just fit in but many of us struggle with that as it goes against our natural instincts. I may be naive in this belief but I do think that when we are all open about our intentions and what we want to achieve, then not only can we all help each other get there but there’s also nothing to fear from one another anymore. We can all embrace our differences and find work and relationships that resonate with these.

The most rewarding conversations and experiences I have had in Guernsey and elsewhere have happened when I have been at my most vulnerable, the most authentic version of me. Giving an honest account of the bad day you just had or how you really felt about that presentation, the difficulties you find with public speaking or how overwhelmed you feel at work opens up our natural urge to connect and you might be surprised by what you find.

The more of yourself you give out, the more you get back.

So actually, my dad was right on all levels – you do get out what you put in. Sometimes, perhaps, you get out a little bit more.