I had a dream...

I also managed to get a good online deal on a case of cheesy Ritz Crackers and since their arrival have taken to regularly having cheese and crackers for supper. This despite all the warnings my late mother gave me when I was a child of the link between late night cheese and bad dreams.

As usual, she turned out to be correct and I did have some very odd dreams almost on a par with the ones I experienced from a very peculiar pharmaceutical I was prescribed for joint pain. But that’s a story for another day.

One particular night, after having watched the delightful ‘I’m a Celebrity... Get me out of Here!’ while tucking into a mound of cheese and crackers, I had a dream about the States of Guernsey.

In my cheese-infused dream state a new system of government had been rolled out based upon the premise of I’m a Celebrity... where 38 local celebrities who’d seen better days were, literally, parachuted into the Assembly.

The Bailiff was replaced by Declan Donnelly and Holly Willoughby who, though not as proficient in the rules of procedure as Sir Richard, were much funnier and seemed to be enjoying the role far more.

Each month the camp mates, or deputies as they were called in my dream, spent their days in mundane, routine tasks which were inherently boring and had to be edited down to few seconds of activity often presented out of context for comic or dramatic effect by the media.

They were presumably working very hard but all I got to see in my dream was them devising increasingly desperate pursuits just to alleviate the overall crushing tedium of actually achieving very little. To the viewer they appeared to be moving in slow motion and some could hardly be seen to be moving at all.

The producers had set up a shed with audio-visual capabilities where the deputies could address the viewer on a one-to-one basis. This worked to some extent until three or four of the big boys commandeered the shed and turned it into a private den just for them and a few friends.

The highlight of this new system of government was the monthly Bean Jar Trial where random devilish ideas to frustrate and annoy the people of Guernsey were handed out secretly. Each deputy who had drawn the short straw then had to convince the others that the totally ridiculous proposal they were bringing to the States was in fact reasonable and get it voted through.

You couldn’t believe how ridiculous some of these ideas were. And yet some of the deputies could persuade enough of the others they were being serious time after time after time. A five-bag rubbish collection system being approved was one of the season highlights.

Star quality shone through from the very beginning. Some of the deputies could take any old tat and easily convince their peers it was the right thing to do. The ‘moral high ground’ strategy proved successful a multitude of times. Props like woolly bobble hats and toy polar bears were often enough to deliver success in a Bean Jar Challenge.

Part of the fun of the series is watching how the big egos clash in a very confined space. By an elaborate system of creating small teams to carry out individual tasks the producers are able to build tension and competitiveness into the show. The last thing anyone wants is for all the camp mates to get on and work as a team. What would be the fun in that?

One of the little tricks is to create the impression that one of the teams is more important than the others. Another is to deliberately hand out tasks to participants who obviously will be totally inept at it. Got a good cook? Then allocate water fetching duties. It’s such a laugh.

Natural leaders rise to the top. Therefore in this dream system of government it is vitally important to frustrate them and make them virtually useless. There is no finer TV viewing than seeing an obvious leader confounded at every turn by a mischievous system architect who denies strong leaders power but empowers the weak to confound them at every turn.

As the series progresses the number of visible candidates falls week by week. They aren’t voted out of camp nor do they leave. They just blend into the background becoming almost invisible.

Which leaves us as we approach Christmas with just our favourites still in the game. Some we love and some we love less but as the season finale approaches the activity level increases. Whoever can hang on until the end not only wins the crown but a chance to go on to bigger and better things.

Suddenly the smiles get bigger and the last few contestants do everything to raise their profiles. Singing, dancing and volunteering for every Bean Jar Challenge. To be seen and heard is vital now as viewers’ votes are the ultimate prize.

As the show comes nearer to the end activity becomes frantic. Everyone, even the invisible ones, will want to be seen and heard. How do we know this? Simply because it happens at the end of every series.

I really must lay off the late night cheese because this dream turned into a nightmare. Thankfully nothing like this could happen in real life. Could it?

As this is my last column of the year I’d like to wish my reader a merry Christmas and a happy and prosperous New Year. I’d also like to give a special seasons greetings to the 38 special people who have done so much to keep me entertained and amused this year. You know who you are and I have no doubt you will provide more of the same in 2019.