Why paid parking is a silly idea...

OK, let's have paid parking, and spend the money we raise on the buses. Wow what a success, the money's flooding in and now we can pay off the loans we took out for those new buses we bought.

What a success these buses are, they're all full. But wait a minute, the revenue from the car parks is falling away because people are leaving their cars at home. Oh, well, we'll just have to raise the bus fares to cover the shortfall. Oh, no, people are switching back to their cars because they're cheaper than the buses. Revenue for the buses is slowing down more each day. Ah well, we'll just have to sell off a few buses and make a few drivers redundant then raise the fares again. Oh well, at least we tried.

OK, let's have paid parking in fenced-in, secured car parks. We were told this would ease congestion but now it's 10 times worse because it takes so long to get into the car park with those damn barriers and ticket machines.

OK, let's have paid parking with scratch cards. (While ignoring the cost of tidying up the car parks) How long am I going to need today? I might have to leave early. Alternatively I may get called into a meeting and have to stay all day. Oh well, I'll just have to scratch off nine hours and hope for the best. Damn, I knew I'd get called out. That's £4.80 down the drain.

OK, let's have paid parking with pay-and-display machines. It's chucking down and I'm going to get soaked queuing for my ticket. Damn, I haven't got the right change, where's the nearest shop? I'll have to drive there, I can't leave my car here or I'll get booked. That machine's out of action again, it's so quiet on the Salerie at night it's not surprising the machines get broken into so often.

Ah well, let's install cameras and employ a few security guards. That won't cost too much, will it?

The not-so-silly alternative

By the way, what exactly is the problem? Congestion and greenhouse gas emissions. OK, that's simple to resolve and it'll cost nothing to set up. Really? How? You can raise fuel duty, just enough to allow bus journeys to be subsidised, new buses bought, garaged and maintained. The infrastructure to do that is there already so it won't cost anything to set it up. Everybody pays but only according to the amount they use. That will have some effect on the number of cars on the roads but perhaps not enough, so is there anything else we can do? Yes, you can have more car parking spaces. Eh? Think about it. That way, people won't have to rush in all at the same time in the morning. And those people who can't come in before 8.10am and always miss out on a long-stay space won't have to take a two- or three-hour space and then have to move their car mid-morning, which will ease the traffic even more. But where are the extra spaces going to come from? That's easy, take away that silly weed-, and probably rat-infested, green mound at the Salerie as well as those daft granite walls alongside the marina that are falling down anyway. Also, give back most of the short-stay parks at the Salerie that aren't used very often and also some of the three-hour ones at North Beach that won't be used any more by long stayers.

OK, that sounds like it'll work but what about the future? Simple again. Don't allow any more office space in Town. Why would you when you don't have the infrastructure to support them? I know the finance people want a St Peter Port address but with modern communications, they can have their back office staff anywhere on the island. Do you want help on anything else, like, 'How to empty a bucket of water?' or 'Why chocolate's not a good material to make a tea pot out of?'

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