Welcome to the Banana Bailiwick

So, THE Guernsey population wants the island to be the happiest place to live on Earth – not in 2030 or even in 2025, but starting with the election of June 2020.

To that end, prospective candidates for the new Assembly are invited to make themselves known.

Not any candidates, and certainly not the current out of touch deputies, but young people (with or without families), school leavers, unemployed, ex-convicts, etc. – their backgrounds matter not, for there can be no discrimination, and we want diversity, but they must be young, Post-Millennials and Gen Z, actually.

The rewards for such open-minded entrepreneurs and apps addicts include a starting salary of £40,000p.a. (tax-free), free housing, free private health insurance, free travel and a non-contributory pension scheme.

Candidates must be over 18 years of age and have completed their education. No academic qualification or work experience is needed (the only concession to today’s deputies).

The sole requirements are a keen interest in sport and in all forms of culture and arts; a good knowledge of the local drug scene, raves and festivals etc., and an eagerness to develop leisure pursuits and entertainment fit for the younger generation of the 21st century.

Successful candidates will be populist, of course, anti-establishment (but not too much – remember where your perks come from), and they will be expected to show creativity in developing projects designed to ensure that young people will be so happy enjoying themselves that they will not want to leave the island... or look for work, as there will be no time for that.

Funding for these exciting ventures will be by way of borrowings on the international market, as investors will be keen to associate themselves with Guernsey, the happiest place to live on Earth, also to be known as the Banana Bailiwick.

PHIL DUPRE,

Address withheld.