The paper war is not over yet when travelling
IN 2021 I took two months to discover how to return Guernsey without being incarcerated in one of Boris’s horrible hotels at Heathrow, where for the princely sum of £1,750 a traveller coming from a red-listed country would be confined to one minute room for 10 or 11 days in total isolation, except for being given airline-type food on a tray left outside your room three times a day. It was much worse than being in prison where at least you are allowed to exercise and you saw your fellow prisoners at meal times. Guernsey’s regime was worse, if you lived in a flat, because here you were confined for 14 days, not 10 days, which the World Health Organisation considered quite adequate. Mind you, Guernsey has always been different, like our cows, and Guernsey lillies – which in fact come from South Africa and are not indigenous to Sarnia Cherie. Anyway I am deviating from the whole reason for this article.
In 2022 I was staying with my elder daughter in Zimbabwe. Most consider Zimbabwe (Southern Rhodesia for those who like the old coinage) the one country in the world to avoid if humanly possible. In fact, Zimbabwean people are one of the nicest Africans you might meet and it is only the hierarchy who let down the side. On my way out to Zimbabwe I decided to go by Ethiopian Airways at the risk of being attacked by the Tigre people at Addis Ababa airport. The Tigre people were fighting the Ethiopian government and up until my flight were threatening to overrun Addis Ababa, the capital city. Fortunately a week or two before I flew, the government forces managed to restrain the armed forces of Tigre. Therefore on my way back to Guernsey I thought it wise to fly Qatar Airlines via Doha to avoid any confrontation with the Tigre people. Owing to the fact that I was travelling from South Africa I was obliged to have my PCR on the day before I flew, so on Sunday morning I presented myself for an African PCR. The Zimbabwean PCR consisted of one swab from your throat and not the most uncomfortable two swabs rammed right up both nostrils making most people cry. In Guernsey you have two swabs down your throat either side of your tongue and two more up your nostrils. Not being a medic I am not sure why four swabs are necessary, when it seems that the coronavirus is so virulent that one swab seems enough to detect whether a person is positive or negative. After all we wear masks, keep two metres away from each other and the nurses tog themselves up as if they are off to the moon in green overalls and plastic face masks.
When I got to Harare Airport on my way back to Guernsey my family, who were seeing me off, were not allowed into the airport, so I had to negotiate all the many health checks, security checks, immigration checks, 14-day tracker checks and other African checks by myself. Once when I was coming back from Zimbabwe I was carrying some bullock horns for my grandson. This caused untold difficulties with the African wildlife authorities who thought that the bullock horns were ivory tusks from a bull elephant. Common sense prevailed in the end, but it caused some delay and anxiety.
My flight take-off was almost delayed because the air hostess saw me carrying a disabled person’s crutch and I was due to sit in an emergency exit seat. Airline regulations state that a disabled person is not allowed to sit on an emergency exit seat.
I tried to persuade the girl that I was perfectly capable of exiting the aircraft if we ditched in the sea or had to carry out a forced landing in the Sahara. She was not convinced, so I was approached by a very senior airline official.
I told him that I could beat him in any race either on land or in the sea and to prove it I jumped up and down the aisle of the aircraft. He was a rather well fed and well covered gentleman, so he was suitably impressed and convinced by my antics and authorised the aircraft to fly to Lusaka in Zambia with me on board. I had the same trouble in Lusaka, because the airline changes crew and the new air hostess was similar to her predecessor. Fortunately again my physical attributes proved conclusive and the aircraft took off for Doha with me sitting in one of the emergency exit seats.
This trouble getting through Heathrow and the White Rock was a piece of cake in comparison with 2021. I did have a problem with my baggage collection, but this is another long story which I will keep to myself. My message to all who contemplate travelling these days is that the paper war is not all over yet with some countries. It is wise to check all the regulations and rules before you exit your free and beautiful island and venture forth into unknown territories.
IAN NASON
St Peter Port