Cher Eugene,

YOU know old Pierre Gallienne had a reputation for leaving things until the last minute, mon viaer?

Well, this States, they're just the same, them.

There was one deputy complaining the Billet for this month's meeting was over 1,000 pages long.

Caw, if there's a copy for 47 deputies, and all the other people who want them, that's a lot of trees.

Perhaps reducing the number of deputies is nothing to do with government, Eugene, it's to help the environment, eh?

And they've left some big issues right to the last minute, them.

Like the Education – they've only just put out their report, but it says they want to scrap the 11-plus, and the Grammar School, and spend £65m. building a new school to La Mare de Carteret, and combine all the secondary schools into one big one spread over four sites.

That's not much then, eh, Eugene?

I was chatting to Jack Torode, and I said the Education should set an example to schoolchildren, but they seem more like students who've left it to the last minute to submit their essay.

He said it looks like they've crammed like mad to get everything done before exams. Or before they ask people to vote for them, eh?

Perhaps it's because they had a problem with the public consultation, mon viaer. Most people said they wanted to keep the 11-plus, but that didn't suit what the Education wanted. Jack said he heard the minister on the radio and basically he said the wrong people replied to the consultation.

Perhaps States members who don't get elected in April will say the wrong people voted, eh?

I don't see how one school spread over four sites will work, Eugene. I mean, the pupils could spend half their time travelling between sites to get to different lessons.

Perhaps that walking group will try to set up walking routes between the schools. The children won't learn anything, but it could solve the obesity problem, eh?

There's some States members saying the Education have rushed their report out in a hurry and it's not really finished. After all, they even admit they haven't had time to work out what to do about the colleges yet. And the Treasury, they say they can't support the report because they're not sure Education have worked out the finances properly. Jack says they should be sent back to do some revision then, eh?

Then again, all the departments are the same these days, Eugene: they just put a little letter 'm' after a number without even thinking that means millions of pounds of taxpayers' money.

The latest is the Public Services. You know they've been clearing up that firefighting foam from that crash years ago? Well, they keep moving the soil around, anyway. They reckon it will cost £27m. by the time they finish, so they decided to hire some UK lawyers and take the manufacturers to court to get the money back. But the crash was in 1999, so the case got thrown out because they left it too late. They still had to pay the lawyers and some other costs, though. Well, I suppose the lawyers didn't expect a government department would wait 16 years before deciding to do something.

They don't know the States, eh, mon viaer?

In the end the PSD had to stop their claim, but only after they'd run up £8m. in fees and costs.

That got me thinking, if you add that to the £2.6m. they lost before, that's over £10m., eh? So over their four-year term this States has lost an average of about £2.5m. every year, by getting things wrong. Caw, I bet they don't put that in their manifestos, eh?

And you can guess what happens next, Eugene. They've promised there will be an independent review, but the chief minister and the States' chief executive have decided on the terms of reference, so that's not very independent, eh?

They didn't even ask the committee who are supposed to scrutinise what the States committees do, so that's upset them. Old Jack, he said you couldn't make it up, but he's not holding his breath for an open, transparent result, that's for sure.

When you think, the island claims to be a financial centre, but the way it loses money can't do much for its reputation, Eugene. And the chief minister hasn't helped either, him. He was saying the island isn't geared up to take refugees or migrants from other countries, but then said some people here are Islamophobic. Caw, that got him into trouble. It was all over the national newspapers and the radio.

I said to Jack, he should have said some people were Crapaudophobic – that would have got them guessing, eh?

There's one deputy from the Vale saying there's a bigger problem with white van men taking jobs over here and the Commerce and Employment haven't done anything to stop them. He had a list of about 600 vans, but the minister, he said he hadn't seen any hard evidence of them doing work here. I said to Jack, it must just be a hang of a lot of single men from the UK coming to Guernsey for their holidays in their works van, with a load of tools and overalls in the back ready for the beach, eh?

Jack said it's the Commerce and Employment who are responsible for external transport links and they haven't done very well there either. After all, there's Aurigny stopping flights to Jersey, that Bumblebee boat has said it won't run to Alderney any more and now the fast ferry is only going to do one trip a day in the summer instead of two.

The only new thing is Aurigny have said they'll offer flights to Barcelona a few times in the summer.

He said the way things are going, on some days it could be easier to get to Barcelona than to Alderney or Jersey.

I don't know if it will affect tourists, mon viaer, but it seems there's not many come anyway, these days. I told you any visitors might be faced with a big supermarket to the Pollet if the developers get their way? Well, you can guess, the planners, they've given it permission without any public meeting or anything.

That environment one, she said it's up to the developers if they want to close the White Hart and combine all the shops into one big one, because her department can't dictate what sort of shops go there; they're only interested in any external alterations.

Jack said that just shows how daft the planning laws are. Someone could open a house of ill repute and the Environment would only object if the red light outside was too big.

Or if it was an orange circle, eh?

I'll write again soon, mon viaer,

A la perchoîne,

Your cousin,

Emile