‘I never thought I would be a mother whose child would take their own life’

ALISON WATSON is the epitome of a loving mum. She has an extended family of six children – a combination of her own children and three stepchildren she shares with her second husband Gordon – and while life has had its ups and downs for the family, they were always a tight, happy unit.

‘I never thought I would be a mother whose child would take their own life,’ she says quietly.

She and her husband are receiving counselling and, while their pain and grief is still raw, Alison is finally beginning to understand that she could not have done anything to prevent Morgan from taking his own life. He had made his decision. But the loss of her handsome young son has prompted the couple to support a new young people’s mental health initiative being pioneered by Guernsey Mind.

‘Morgan had issues from a very young age and we did try to get him help in the UK on several occasions before moving to the island,’ said Alison, ‘but once the counsellors got past the mask and really dug deep into what his problems were, he refused to carry on seeing them. He would dismiss them and say they were a waste of time and insist he was fine. He just didn’t want to deal with the truth of what was causing his problems.’

Alison and Gordon have found out so much more about their son’s issues after he took his life as family and friends both locally and in the UK revealed what they knew about him. It’s clear he was hiding some very dark thoughts.

‘He was wearing several masks,’ Gordon explained. ‘He seemed fine on the outside. He came to Guernsey after working in the UK in January of last year after obtaining a position at a local hotel as a trainee chef and was living in staff quarters. We followed on in March. But we know now he was far from fine. He had told us all had been well but that was not the truth.

‘The staff and management there were fantastic with Morgan and really looked out for him but when lockdown happened the restaurant had to close, and he was laid off.’

Alison said: ‘He came to live with us for eight weeks and during that time he split up with his girlfriend. He asked if I was OK with him going out on a socially distanced walk to talk and sort things out, but we discovered that they were not abiding by the social distancing rules. As Gordon is classed as vulnerable, we gave him the choice of abiding by the rules and coming home or returning to the staff accommodation at the hotel. He decided he wanted his space and moved back to his quarters.’

Alison revealed how her two younger sons had helped clear out Morgan’s room and one of them found a suicide note, but told his mum not to read it. They packed his things and Alison and Gordon delivered them to him at the hotel on 15 May.

‘When I took Morgan’s belongings to his staff quarters we talked whilst socially distancing. I said, “I can’t even hug you as you broke the bubble”. He said it was OK. I told him that I knew about the note the boys had found and he promised he would never do anything to himself.

‘We were due to return to the hotel on the Sunday morning and he said he was expecting us and I would see him then. I told him I loved him and he said he loved me too.

‘I wanted him back home where I knew he would be safe, but he had seemed fine. The hotel were going to start offering takeaways so he was about to start working again too.

‘But had he spoken up, we could have helped him.’

On the 16th, he had been to a family barbecue at his girlfriend’s house and he had played football with her siblings and seemed happy. Later that night he FaceTimed me and he seemed fine. He said he had had a lovely day. I told him I loved him, and he said he loved me too. He also knew we were coming the next day to give him the rest of his belongings.’

The next morning Alison tried to call Morgan but got no reply. When she arrived at the hotel and spoke to his employers, they said he had not turned up that morning for a meeting.

‘My heart began to pound, and we asked the manager to get a master key. We went to his door and the manager opened it. I went into the room first and saw the bed was empty. I thought, “Great he didn’t stay here”. But then I looked again and there he was. I just screamed and screamed. And ran out.’

The emergency services arrived and pronounced him dead. Alison was able to kiss him goodbye.

She is devastated and her heart is broken.

After his death she retrieved the note and it is now kept under her pillow. In the note he took full responsibility and said he blamed no one.

‘He had backed himself into such a dark corner that he could only see one way out.

‘In the following days we began talking to family and friends and it was clear that the stories he had been telling us about being OK were not true. People at his work knew he was struggling. He just needed help and while we had tried our best, we think he had backed himself into a corner as he was in such a dark place.’

Gordon describes how Morgan was able to hide his problems as he had many very different faces that he showed to the world.

‘When a couple split up, children can easily hide how they feel as they are often living between two places. We know that so many young people are falling through the net and hide how they are really feeling. This is why we both feel so passionately about being involved with Guernsey Mind and getting behind what is now the Morgan Is Me project .We have to help other young people out there who are struggling with their mental health issues.’

Alison is also adamant that she wants to use their experience to raise awareness about the need for young people who need help.

‘I never want another family to have to go through what we have been through in the past eight months. This has broken my heart. There has been a huge ripple effect and so many of our family and friends have been affected by Morgan’s passing, not just feeling the loss but also feeling guilty that they could or should have done something to stop him doing what he did. At some point in the future I do hope to become a counsellor and try to do something positive.

‘The funeral service for Morgan was held during the first lockdown with only 10 of us allowed to attend, but with my brother Ian’s help we did make it a beautiful celebration of his life with some amazing readings, tributes, music and photograph montages of Morgan living life to the full and looking so happy. We did have many good times as a family and it was so lovely seeing him enjoying life.

‘I have two photographs of Morgan that I absolutely love, one of them taken while he was on holiday on a zip wire whizzing through the trees. He looks so happy. The other shows him climbing rocks on the beach being chased by Gordon and the look on his face is euphoric. It’s how I like to remember Morgan, being happy and loving life because that’s who he was too, he is and will always be with me.

‘We have been raising funds for Mind Guernsey and have so far raised over £16,300 – this will be used to provide a support and intervention service for youths and young adults.’

For more information on how to donate to the fund, log on to https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/morganm

Help for young people

GUERNSEY MIND'S new 16-25 Service will provide a range of services for young people aged between 16 and 25 years old and will launch formally when the new 16-25 coordinator starts their role in mid-February. The service will include one-to-one therapeutic support, group activities and peer support. The charity encourages anyone in this age group to reach out, even during lockdown, as there is still support available.

Guernsey Mind executive director Emily Litten said: 'Young adults in this age group experience significant upheaval and emotional development during this transitional period. Emotional traumas, big and small, that may have been experienced at an earlier age, often come to the fore. Significant relationships change, with friends, parents and partners and with yourself as an individual. It's a time of figuring out who you are and how you want to be seen as an adult and as your own person. It's also a time when our culture keeps you tied to what they think you should be.

'The freedom to be yourself, make mistakes and learn from them is becoming increasingly more difficult with numerous online platforms, competitive environments and the need to achieve before you even know who you are. Mental health issues are prevalent among this age group and continue to increase. It's also this age group that have been particularly hit during lockdown, and the opportunities to become your own person have been squeezed even further.'

The campaign to highlight what is important for this age group has been named Morgan Is Me. Guernsey Mind campaigns and events coordinator Maddy Diligent said: 'The Morgan Is Me campaign will target and support young adults by providing a mix of events, activities and online support. The campaign aims to create spaces in which young people aged between 16 and 25 can come together, try something new, socialise and talk, should they need to. Events will be tailored to this age group and will hope to not only create safe, fun and inclusive spaces but an environment in which young people can share how they are feeling and be supported where needed.'

The campaign logo has been created and there are plans to establish a large online presence as well as creating some innovative events to increase awareness around young people's mental health.

The power of talking

As lockdown round two takes hold, and in celebration of today being National Time To Talk Day, Jill Chadwick, community group coordinator at Guernsey Mind, talks about the power of the charity's community online talk groups.

FRIENDS who know me will agree that I love nothing better than a good natter. It is now quite a big part of what my role at Guernsey Mind calls for as so many people in this lockdown are struggling to find a way to keep connected.

Every morning we run a daily coffee drop-in via Zoom and each day our group increases. There is never a theme, you can come and go within the session to suit, but we all agree it is great to have something to put in the diary, and it is never dull.

Some come to have a laugh, some to share a problem, others just like to listen, but it does involve those two very important things we all need in times like this, a feeling of belonging and a sense of community.

As I knew I was going to be writing about Time To Talk Day, I asked the group if I could share their thoughts about why they enjoy just getting together for a chat.

Lucy is a new member of the Zoom group and admits that it makes her day.

'It gives me a focus, something to do, to meet people, some of whom I know, others I don't, but I did feel part of the gang very quickly.'

Another of the group says that the daily talk sessions literally get her through her day. Her partner is an essential worker, leaving her at home alone until quite late most days, and she finds the isolation a problem.

'There is always something going on with the people in the group and its great to hear how others are managing to get through. We do a lot of laughing, and if someone is struggling, there is so much love and support that you never feel as though you are alone.'

Another of our daily talkers is a real joker and each day he usually comes up with something fun to keep everyone amused. One day during the last lockdown he went outside and planted a row of toilet rolls! He also makes everyone laugh with his latest purchase on Amazon.

Others are just happy to log in and listen.

For me last time it proved an important focus and this time too I find the 10.30am daily date helps give my day some structure.

We have also managed to continue our weekly choir sessions, though this time we are not going to attempt to keep singing. But again, linking up with our friends via Zoom and having a chat is something a lot of people say they need to do.

We run a face-to-face Walk And Talk session on Mondays, but those people now log in to our coffee groups too.

Talking and communicating are key things that will get us through, we are grateful at Mind that we already had a community infrastructure to take online and make sure that people do not have to go through this alone. Everybody likes to be heard, and we provide them with the chance to do that – and help each other through.