What makes a ‘real man’?

WE LEARN that society expects different things of men and women at a young age – but not that young, as I discovered when my then three-year-old son announced that he wanted to go to a party dressed as a princess. ‘OK,’ I said. ‘Princesses are cool.’

The theme on the invitation was Knights and Princesses, so in the interests of balance my husband chipped in. ‘Knights are cool too: they’ve got really big swords.’

That swung it. Our son decided he would go to the party as a princess with a really big sword.

A few months later, freshly four, he arrived on his first day at school in a pink hat. He was genuinely mystified when a boy in his class teased him for wearing a girl’s colour. ‘But pink’s my favourite colour and I’m a boy, so it must be a boy’s colour,’ my son reasoned.

He won the argument that day, but within a couple of months the sheer relentlessness of societal norms had beaten him down. He was too ashamed to wear the hat. He told me, with no real conviction, that he didn’t like pink any more and that his favourite colour was now blue.

In the adult world, this idea of what defines manliness has been under intense scrutiny lately, especially in the wake of the #MeToo movement. Beliefs and behaviours that reinforce unhealthy aspects of the male stereotype have been given a name: toxic masculinity.

As the phrase implies, some expectations around what it means to be ‘a real man’ can be harmful – both to women and to men themselves.

When the concept of masculinity turns toxic is when it focuses on aspects such as dominance, physical violence, extreme self-reliance and emotional repression. When it’s OK to express anger, but not OK to express tenderness. When it’s OK to hurt others, but not OK to admit to being hurt.

At one end of the scale, there’s the lewd, boorish banter or ‘locker room talk’ that might seem trivial on an individual level, but narratives that routinely debase and objectify women scaled up to population level can contribute to the kind of culture that #MeToo sprung up in response to.

In its most extreme manifestations, toxic masculinity describes the kind of violent aggression we see played out in headlines about knife crime and rape. But there are much more subtle manifestations too.

The misogynistic elements of these behaviours affect women in very obvious ways, but men are negatively affected by male stereotyping too.

What are we saying to someone when we tell them to ‘man up’? That they’re not allowed to say or show what they’re feeling? That they’re not allowed to even feel what they’re feeling?

According to the charity Calm, suicide is the single biggest killer of men under 45 in the UK. Men are three times as likely to take their own life as women. One of the reasons it’s thought they’re vulnerable to depression, anxiety and suicide is that they can feel a social pressure to look strong and they feel ashamed of showing any signs of weakness.

Researchers link macho traits with poor health and shorter lives because of the emphasis on stoicism and self-reliance. When boys are taught not to cry or complain about their problems, they’re less likely as adults to seek medical help in time when they’re sick or injured.

The good news is that the picture is improving. Male suicides in the UK have dropped to their lowest level in 30 years. The culture that surrounds toxic masculinity is changing.

In the last month we have seen a couple of initiatives tackling these issues head on: International Men’s Day and Movember. The latter is a movement where men grow facial hair to promote conversations about men’s cancers, mental health and suicide, raising money for related causes in the process.

International Men’s Day is also about raising awareness of men’s issues, with a focus on positive male role models. Described by its founder as ‘a global love revolution’, it’s an opportunity celebrate men’s achievements and contributions to family life and the community too.

Male Uprising Guernsey is walking the talk locally. The idea behind the Men’s Shed – an old vinery packing shed in St Peter’s – is that it’s a constructive space for men, both literally and metaphorically. Men are encouraged to get involved with making stuff in a workshop equipped for just about anything, sharing both a sense of purpose and, crucially, conversations.

The people behind the initiative hope that those conversations will help break the taboo of men talking about their mental health. The concept recognises that many men struggle not just with the subject matter, but also with the format of a face-to-face dialogue. Working side-by-side on something practical, however, can make it easier to open up.

Initiatives like the Men’s Shed are helping to the change the emphasis, shifting it away from the outdated idea that men should simply man up and shut up and focusing on aspects like friendship, connectedness and wellbeing instead.

Detoxifying the concept of masculinity may take a little time, but ultimately men, women, families and whole communities will benefit when boys can grow up with a healthier, more positive set of social expectations around what makes ‘a real man’.