Words and warnings

HI GUYS.

I wouldn’t normally begin with that greeting. It seems a little informal. But then, that appears to be a trend these days, even in places where it might be considered inappropriate.

I recently received a communication from my bank enclosing a new debit card. I would normally class that as reasonably formal or official correspondence. After all, it contains a means of extracting funds from my account, and some important terms and conditions.

But I am sure that if I had submitted it as a sample of work to my English teacher, she would have had a field day with her red pen, marking it down as overly casual, if not downright colloquial.

I won’t name the bank, as I wouldn’t want to embarrass them. Although with the way banks treat customers these days, I wonder if they can be embarrassed. I’ll just say it was formed by a merger of the National Provincial and Westminster banks, no names, no pack drill.

The letter began ‘Hello Mr Neil R. Tucker’. Probably computer-generated, but my teacher would have expected Dear Mr Tucker, as school pupils and secretaries have presumably been taught since Chaucer began to write.

It’s not a hanging offence, I agree, nor even a detention, but ‘hello’ is surely more a verbal greeting than a written one, not normally followed by an honorific?

But then it continued, ‘We recently gave you a heads-up that we were switching to Mastercard. Ta-da- here’s your shiny new debit card.’

Honestly. Those are the exact words.

A ‘heads-up’?

‘Ta-da’?

This is a communication from my bank, not a text from a mate, nor even anyone I know.

I readily admit the debit card is shiny. It is also new. But ta-da?

I mean, it’s just a debit card, for goodness’ sake, not a rabbit out of a hat. And even that’s been done before.

And with the plethora of bank cards, loyalty and membership cards that one has to carry these days, the arrival of a replacement is not very spectacular.

It’s certainly not a ‘ta-da’ moment. If such an adjective exists.

Miss Bedford’s red pen would also have circled the heading for the next section, which in large, bold type announced, ‘The important stuff’.

Stuff?

By ‘stuff’ they meant ’important details’, or ‘points to note’, but the author presumably couldn’t conjure up these more descriptive words.

I assume it’s an author at this point, for any self-respecting AI software would surely be programmed with a better grasp of the English language.

I accept that I am now ‘of a certain age’, but I’m not from the stone age, despite what my grandchildren think. I was brought up in the 60s, when new words were quite common.

I remember things being groovy, or out of sight, or perhaps grotty if you didn’t dig it. If it wasn’t your bag. But these were colloquial words, and even as teenagers we wouldn’t write these in a formal letter.

Is it a trend from advertisers or companies trying to appear youthful? Trying to get in the groove and be, like, where it’s at?

Or is it just sloppy and unprofessional?

I recognise of course that language evolves and trends come and go. You only have to look around to note that a few years ago everything had to be ‘technological’, to make it sound modern and advanced.

Now that’s been replaced by the trend to be ‘green’ or ‘eco-friendly’. So an increasing number of items now claim to originate from plants, or at least to be infused with plant-based ingredients.

I spotted some liquid soap recently – sorry, hand cleanser – which proudly claimed that it contained green tea and jojoba, as if that made it somehow superior.

And there was another containing white tea and neroli. I admit I had to look that up.

But were they better, either at cleaning or protecting the environment, because they contained some plant extracts?

The thought occurred to me that if it carries on, I’ll soon basically be washing my hands in a salad.

Perhaps using it regularly will satisfy the requirement for five portions a day.

Another trend I’ve noticed is for particular words to become fashionable. For example, the number of people, organisations and even governments that have become ‘committed’ to something recently seems to have increased.

The original meaning is fine, but a recent trend seems to be to use the word as a defence or denial when something goes wrong.

A corporation criticised for a mistake or a blunder, instead of issuing an explanation or an apology, will simply state a commitment, which if true would have avoided the mishap in the first place.

If a wall falls down on a building site, for example, a company’s only comment might be to issue a statement saying it is committed to high standards of workmanship. Or if a workman has an accident, a spokesman will simply state that the company is committed to the safety of its employees.

In that sense the word seems intended to imply that the event could not possibly have happened.

And of course, as some words become fashionable, others fall out of fashion. You must have noticed a recent trend to avoid certain words because some people perceive an intention or meaning behind them which they never had.

Harmless words are now accused of causing offence, despite an innocent dictionary definition or common usage.

I don’t wish to enter the quagmire which is the modern ‘woke’ debate, but I did notice a recent article in the local paper which invited people to attend cervical screening. It stressed how important it was and how they wanted to encourage people to use the service, but managed to do so without once using the words ‘women’ or even ‘female’.

And before you ask, yes, it did use the term ‘people with a cervix’.

At other times, an obvious word is avoided not because of any hypersensitivity, but in an attempt to make something sound slightly better than it was.

You may have witnessed Elon Musk’s recent SpaceX rocket launch, which ended in disaster. At the time SpaceX admirably announced that it had suffered a ‘rapid unscheduled disassembly’.

To most people who watched, it simply blew up.

Perhaps a more disturbing trend these days is to extend the caution given to some words to actual events, where previously none was felt necessary.

You may have read that Shakespeare’s plays, although analysed, performed and studied worldwide for more than 400 years, are suddenly being issued with ‘trigger warnings’ in case they upset readers.

I have to admit my whole class was upset when it was forced to study A Midsummer Night’s Dream at school, but that was for a different reason.

Then when we read Macbeth we found it far more interesting, because it included an understandable plot which involved violence and murder.

We didn’t need any trigger warnings or special counselling afterwards.

As for Romeo and Juliet, it seems I should avoid revealing the ending unless I warn you that it ‘contains distressing scenes’.

I have heard a theory that people of my age have an advantage, because we spent our youth watching programmes like the Lone Ranger on television.

We watched cowboys and Indians being terminated left, right and centre, and somehow survived without parental guidance controls or trigger warnings.

Actually, those of a certain age will appreciate that trigger warnings should really have accompanied Roy Rogers’ movies, not the Lone Ranger. Trigger. Get it? If you’re too young, well, just Google it.

But thinking back, the way those actors met their demise at the wrong end of a Colt 45 was far less disturbing than the histrionics seen in most premier league football matches these days.

And, of course, the Lone Ranger had the additional benefit of introducing its young viewers to a classical opera sample in the form of Rossini’s most famous overture. Again, if you’re too young, you might have to Google it.

Please do not think that I am objecting to changes in language or the use of words with time; It just seems to me that some recent trends have been less than smooth, have been rather unpredictable and not entirely rational.

In fact by the time you read this, something else may have changed and I could suddenly be accused of using inappropriate or upsetting words or phrases.

Perhaps I should have started this article with a trigger warning.

Sorry, guys.