Coping with criticism

I WANT to make a complaint.

This is a phrase that triggers many of us. It might encourage an exaggerated eye roll, a hearty sigh or a pained smile as the details are taken down and the issue addressed or ignored. Our immediate, involuntary in most cases, visceral reaction to any negative feedback, no matter how benign, well-intended or helpfully constructive, is one of defensiveness.

We feel that all negative feedback is judgmental. An attempt to prove we are rubbish at what we do in order that someone else can take the upper hand and all the glory. It is a challenge to our very sense of self, the one we have worked so hard to construct and perfect over the years and we just won’t stand for it. We are doing our best, we are working as hard as we can and we are happy with what we have just delivered, or we are comfortable that we should be able to get away with it. Any unsolicited and unwelcome criticism makes us feel bad, highlights anything we didn’t quite do correctly and we lose confidence. We often waste little time letting the complainant know that their input is not welcome.

The interesting thing is that a complaint or criticism comes from someone feeling either that their needs are not being met or that you could meet your needs better. They are either asking you to be kind, consider them and meet their needs or else they are lovingly giving you guidance that might help you better meet your needs by being kinder to yourself. It is rarely about judgment and yet that is almost always how we perceive both kinds of input.

Very few companies or individuals truly understand the value of listening to and properly dealing with complaints, feedback and suggestions for improvement. Immediately on the defensive, we all miss the opportunity to take a moment to reflect on what might have prompted a complaint or any kind of feedback and why all this input is a gift.

As you already know from my last 'musings' (I couldn’t resist), I am in the middle of a complete shift (and I cannot overstate how dramatic this shift is) in how I perceive the value of my possessions and how tidy I want my home to be as an attempt to make my life easier and more fun. I am decluttering for hours each day and shedding decades of items that no longer spark joy from my home and I’m loving it.

My house has been a mess for a long time. I discovered earlier this year that I have ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) which goes a long way to explain how it got that way. Those of us with ADHD are creative, spontaneous and have huge bursts of focused energy but we also struggle to focus on tasks that do not interest us (cue tidying up) and often lose interest before a project is finished (may I present exhibit A, my downstairs toilet which I started to paint in January and has since been full of painting equipment, yet remains unfinished).

Now, although this does reasonably excuse the situation I find myself in, it does not mean it has to be this way. No matter that I have lived for most of my life like this, change is possible. I can work with my neurodivergent brain (our brains are genuinely wired differently to most ‘neurotypical’ people without ADHD) and adapt systems and habits to change how I do things, for good.

However, until recently, every time anyone commented on the state of my home and what I should do, I resisted. My body would immediately tense, reacting to the perceived attack and I would shower the suggestions with excuses of all kinds to protect myself from criticism and avoid any assessment of where I was. The other day, however, I sat across the dinner table from an old friend who has very few possessions and is ruthlessly unsentimental. For the first time and much to her surprise, I agreed with her on all her suggestions, so much benefit have I already felt from clearing out. I no longer saw the criticism as a threat and I used it to improve my approach and methods to doing what I know is making a huge difference to my life.

It is with this in mind that I turn to last week’s three columns of uncomfortable reading from our Chief Minister. As Horace Camp highlighted on Friday in this paper, Deputy Ferbrache – whom I have never met, only spoken to across a large room – possesses many talents. Might I boldly and respectfully suggest that criticism, competition and feedback of all kinds are opportunities, rather than obstacles to be overcome.

No one is inspired by pages of defensive rambling with the intention of trying to make oneself seem strong and omnipotent at the expense of others. Just as no one was convinced by my pleas that my house had to remain untidy and that I had to keep every item I owned to be happy. It is nonsense and everyone knows it. It makes me cringe at the memory of every time I rebuffed helpful suggestions, simply to protect my own ego.

Everyone is inspired, however, by a leader humbly recognising their own weaknesses, offsetting them with the strengths of those around them and becoming an open, positive role model as a result.

Who knows it all? I certainly don’t and I am confident that neither does Deputy Ferbrache, nor do any of the colleagues he berates in his columns. What he does know is what it takes to make something from a difficult start in life. He can synthesise vast amounts of information and put together a bruisingly powerful argument. He clearly seems to work very hard and no one is questioning any of this. Who Deputy Ferbrache might be is not under threat or scrutiny, yet that’s how it clearly feels to him.

As others have already mentioned, what works in a courtroom does not work with the public. We, the voters and islanders of Guernsey, are not in the dock. We have done nothing wrong. We are ready and willing to support anyone who can show us the way, a braver way that includes all the skills that we know exist within the States.

We are all richer when we take on board the views and feelings of others, when we know when to let things go if they are clearly unpopular, when we take our own egos and past experiences out of the equation and work together to make things better.

It is natural and normal to feel defensive when someone challenges us. The magic comes when we take a step back, count to 10 and shake off that initial reaction and become open to hearing another perspective. We can always improve and the sooner we all become grateful for, rather than resentful of, others’ attempts to help us on that journey, the better.