Neil Tucker: Demolition and daffodils

Travelling down the west coast on the 92, it’s nice to sit on one of the raised seats towards the back of the bus. This gives you a good view of the coastline, perhaps interrupted only by a momentary loss of consciousness as the bus hits the speed bumps outside the Rockmount.

You have to sit on the right-hand side of the bus to get this view of course.

The port side provides an entirely different sensory experience: the chance to wonder at some of the questionable planning permissions which have been granted on that side of the island.

Here among the traditional houses and cottages you will spy concrete and glass exhibits which seem to have taken their inspiration from architectural experiments at Canary Wharf.

I feel sorry for lookouts on ships at sea checking for the Hanois light; when the setting sun glints off some of the huge glass panels, they must think the lighthouse keeper’s had one over the eight.

And in these days of trigger warnings I feel I should add one here: the view on the port side of the 92 could get even worse. For work has now started to demolish the former L’Eree Bay Hotel.

And you’ll never guess what’s likely to replace it.

Oh, you did.

Yup, a block of flats.

Only a few years ago there was talk of upgrading the hotel, but apparently it was decided that was economically unviable.

Unsurprisingly, however, turning it into 15 flats has been deemed economically very viable.

I’m sure I’m not the first to think that something must be wrong if a hotel in such a prime position overlooking Rocquaine Bay in Guernsey cannot make money.

It’s almost as if there’s a competition to see how many nails will secure the lid on the coffin of Guernsey as a tourist destination.

The only surprise is that permission has been granted so quickly. I mean, the L’Eree Bay hasn’t even had time to catch fire, the traditional fate suffered by derelict hotels.

Similar dilapidations like the Idlerocks or Ronnie Ronalde’s have been derelict for years, and both have provided the Fire & Rescue Service with training opportunities. The St Martin’s site closed 16 years ago, yet only now has demolition there started.

I was tempted to suggest that it could be something to do with the name: the Idlerocks has been idle for over 20 years, and some would say the reinstatement of Ronnie Ronalde’s as a hotel was for the birds. But that’s so bad that I won’t suggest it after all.

Talking of demolition, it seems it was a close-run thing with the diving board at the Ladies’ Pool. I was told there was only about five days’ warning before it was due to be demolished.

How can things like that happen fast, but when it comes to repairing infrastructure, or Alderney’s runway, or building houses, it seems to take for ever?

I heard the problem with the diving board was something to do with health and safety. It’s a shame that such a noble cause can be tarnished with a poor reputation, but in many minds the term health and safety immediately invokes thoughts of an irrational over-reaction without compromise or common sense.

I was tempted to say it can mean officials going overboard, but I’ll refrain from that as well.

If I heard correctly it seems that health and safety officials decided it was dangerous because there wasn’t enough water under the diving board for modern regulations.

When that was publicised I think the reaction could be heard as far away as Jersey: a united chorus from locals exclaiming, hang, we’ve been using it for bloney years without any problem, eh?

Mind you, despite what you may think of health and safety, I felt it was a bit unkind to suggest that officials may only have measured the depth of water at low tide.

About as unhelpful as the comment that if sea levels rise with global warming there won’t be a problem in years to come.

I hesitate to mention that I have a friend in Wales who says the Guernseyman is like the archetypal Welshman, short and stocky with no neck, it’s just the curly hair that’s different. He offered the equally unhelpful suggestion that perhaps that typical Guernsey stature comes from years of jumping off a diving platform with not enough water underneath.

Still, at least now it seems there’s an attempt to get those involved to use a bit of common sense and try to sort it out without rushing to demolish something that’s been there for years.

Actually, I was reminded of my Welsh friend when the 92 drove past L’Ancresse and I spotted all the daffodils growing along the edge of the common. It’s nice to see them coming up every year as a sign that spring is on its way.

And in a strange way it got me thinking about Leale’s Yard. I wonder if the daffodils there poke their heads above ground every spring and take a look around hoping at last to see some signs of development.

But every year their hopes are dashed, so it’s another year to wait. Is that why they’re called hardy perennials?

I read recently that Leale’s Yard has been derelict for 26 years now. That prompted a perhaps unkind thought that if buildings had been erected on the site 26 years ago to the same standard as some Guernsey schools, they would already need rebuilding by now.

The report said the latest plans have now been delayed, but I’m not sure that delayed is really the right word. Abandoned is probably more accurate.

And shouldn’t the word ‘again’ have been added?

I wonder if the ‘economically viable’ test has been applied there lately.

I think the latest idea included what was euphemistically called modular housing. My dad would say that sounds similar to the mass building programme in the UK after the war, when they were known as prefabs, but the P&R president calls them volumetric modular units. I suppose to make them sound a whole lot more impressive.

The idea was much the same however: build houses in sections in the UK and then ship the separate bits to Guernsey to be assembled here.

If the idea of flat-packed houses sounds rather suspect, I suppose at least having the sections built in the UK might offer hope of understanding the instructions, which is often a problem with flat-packed items.

Imagine opening a huge architectural drawing with instructions in Chinese, and line diagrams suggesting window A should be inserted into frame B, but the diagram seems to show frame B the wrong way round. To make matters worse flange D won’t fit over lug E, and when you’ve finished there’s no mention of why you have a doorstep leftover.

I presume now another set of plans will have to be submitted to the planning people. I wonder if that will mean yet another artist’s impression of how the final development will look.

You know the sort of thing: a computer-generated image, invariably showing attractive buildings, wide, clean pavements with strolling family groups, smiling children playing ball games, and trees in full leaf lining traffic-free roads. I think architects’ computers have a fantasy app that comes up with such idealistic images.

But that got me thinking, if they have kept artists’ impressions for all the ideas over 26 years, they should have enough to stage their own exhibition at Candie art gallery by now, shouldn’t they?

Alternatively, perhaps the next set of Guernsey stamps could feature all the different plans that have been proposed for the site.

After all, I read recently that the latest set of UK stamps shows mythical creatures, so if the Guernsey ones could show all the different ideas for the Leale’s Yard development, then both sets would have the same thing in common.

That is, none of the things depicted actually exist.