People who ponder why they think, feel and behave the way they do tend to have a better understanding of themselves. They also tend to know their value, recognise emotional triggers and have a good idea of their strengths and limitations. This in turn helps them communicate more honestly, set healthy boundaries and navigate the difficulties of relating to others with more confidence, authenticity and empathy. A good understanding of self can help decode the complex mystery of others, and why other people think, feel and behave the way that they do. These are vital skills for if you want to peacefully exist around other people, be a parent, friend, colleague or partner.
The concept of acquiring self-knowledge to improve one’s life is not new. But the reasons for needing and consolidating a strong self-understanding have never been so palpably present. For we live in a world where the algorithms in our social media may know us better than we know ourselves. These apps are experts in predicting where we will click and how we will feel. Similarly, the ability to curate our lives and develop our own ‘brand’ can make knowing ourselves that much more challenging, blurring the lines between myth and reality. Identity has become a performance, but the aim for living authentically is for one’s outer presentation to match one’s inner self. This isn’t possible if you believe your own hype.
So how do we get to know ourselves better? The answer lies in self-awareness – the ability to notice thoughts, feelings, behaviours and reactions in the present moment. You may be feeling pretty smug right now thinking that you have self-awareness nailed as 95% of people believe they have good self-awareness. But when you have finished reading this article (and not before, please) look up Tasha Eurich; her study suggested that while 95% of people believe themselves to be self-aware, only an estimated 10-15% of people actually demonstrate self-awareness. There is a delicious irony in that the ability to evaluate our own self-awareness may be limited by the level of our own self-awareness.
When we lack self-awareness, we can find ourselves making choices that don’t serve us or those we love. Useful self-awareness goes beyond just noticing our own internal reactions, it extends to an understanding of how we are perceived by others and having the resilience to receive and learn from trusted feedback. The keyword here is ‘trusted,’ don’t go looking for feedback from your harshest critic! But perhaps start with a gentle curiosity about how others experience you. Being able to safely learn from this feedback means listening to understand, not listening to defend, another vital skill for peaceful co-existence with other humans that doesn’t come gifted at birth.
Good levels of self-understanding and self-awareness are strongly linked to healthier self-esteem and self-acceptance.
Self-esteem is knowing that you have value and is linked to confidence and better coping skills; self-acceptance is the ability to accept yourself as you are, to know your challenges and flaws but not to be defined by them. Self-acceptance is linked to increased resilience, lower anxiety and greater psychological wellbeing.
Some counsellors might describe self-acceptance as the ‘holy grail’ of counselling as it frequently underpins personal growth, emotional wellbeing and lasting change. Many of the issues that people bring to counselling, such as low self-esteem, anxiety, shame, perfectionism, and relationship difficulties often involve some degree of a lack of self-acceptance. My own experience of developing self-acceptance was transformative. It quietened years of feeling not good enough. Self-acceptance is not self-excuse nor self-approval. It doesn’t give you permission to just do what you like, consequences be damned. It doesn’t say, ‘I love everything about me.’ But it does say, ‘This is me, I am ok with me, I can see myself clearly, and if I mess up, that’s ok, there are some good reasons for why that might have happened, and none of them are because I am an idiot or a bad person.’
Accepting myself led to the offering of self-compassion; the practice of treating myself with the same patience, kindness and understanding that I might offer a friend. While healthy self-esteem might say, ‘I can feel proud of what I have achieved’, self-compassion will tell me, ‘I can be kind to myself even when I fail.’
Counsellors often see clients who express a judgement of themselves that they don’t extend to others. It’s not uncommon, for a client having explained a difficulty around guilt, blame or shame, for the counsellor to say, ‘Well, how would you respond to a friend with these feelings?’ and the client will reply, ‘Well, that’s different.’ It is the ensuing therapeutic conversation that can help the client challenge this notion that we must be harder on ourselves than we are on others.
Conversations with a counsellor can also be a good starting point for better self-understanding generally. As you tell your story to your counsellor, they will be looking at your world through your eyes and attempting to understand your experience. Along the way they may ask questions to deepen understanding for both of you.
With better understanding of self, we tend to make better choices, stop repeating behaviours that hurt us, become better at emotional regulation and better at protecting ourselves without hurting others. Self-awareness is a lifelong practice rather than a destination. Each small insight gives us the opportunity to respond differently, relate more openly and live more authentically, both with ourselves and with those around us.
u Emma is a counsellor for Guernsey Counselling Service www.empathy.org.gg
You need to be logged in to comment.