Interview: ‘Recovery is a lifelong investment’

Up until the age of 17, Anna Bowditch was just like any outgoing young student. She loved to dance and perform in Gadoc and Music Centre productions, had many friends, a busy social life and was a committed deputy head girl. With her A-levels on the horizon and a nursing degree in view, she was looking ahead to a bright future.

But Anna’s life gradually careered out of control as she started to struggle with her moods. At times they overwhelmed her and this led to her being prescribed antidepressants.

Anna’s struggles were put down to delayed grief after losing her father and other close family members when she was a child. But no family history of bipolar was taken at this time, despite her late father having had the condition, known then as manic depression.

Over several years, from the age of 17, manic symptoms started to emerge, causing Anna to lead a rather chaotic lifestyle.

Insomnia, overspending and overcommitting to all of life’s opportunities became part of her daily life.

‘I would often triple book myself and my energy levels were super-high. If mania is left untreated, you can become psychotic and that’s what happened to me.’

Anna explains that her psychosis was so believable that concerns were not raised until very late on. It was a heart-breaking time for Anna and her family who had no idea what was unravelling, and what lay ahead for them.

Anna says that during her psychotic episodes she was unrecognisable.

‘My mum, who has been alongside me throughout this whole process, had to learn to love a stranger.’

Anna insisted that her mother contributed a chapter in her book to help parents who are at a loss to know how to help their child or family member. Her mum wrote that had she known about psychosis then, she would have seen the red flags sooner and acted upon them.

On 25 April 2013, when Anna was 23, she finally reached crisis point. She could not get respite from the psychosis. This resulted in her first suicide attempt.

Anna calls this D-Day in the book, the day when it became clear how seriously ill she had become. At this point, she had gone undiagnosed for seven years, and had not been known to any mental health services for all this time.

‘Sadly, it is very common for the diagnosis to be given at crisis point and not sooner. Recently, Heston Blumenthal appeared on This Morning, sharing his recent bipolar diagnosis story, explaining how he was sectioned. Like me, he said that on average, it could take up to nine years to get a recognised diagnosis. This is a long time for unmanaged manic, depressive, psychotic and even suicidal symptoms to be endured. Awareness of the condition is key especially when you consider that in the UK there are more people with bipolar disorder than dementia.’

For Anna, it had to get that bad to get better. The month-long off-island secure unit admission following D-Day provided relief for Anna and family, as a diagnosis was finally given. This was something they felt they could finally work with.

Defining bipolar, Anna says: ‘Everybody rides their own rollercoaster in life but living with bipolar magnifies the highs and the lows.’

Following her secure unit days, Anna returned to the island and many local psychiatric hospitalisations followed, often for long periods throughout her 20s. She admits that there were also further suicidal setbacks.

‘Relapses are inevitable in order for recovery to happen. It can take years to find the right treatment regime as it is so individualised.’

Anna says that accepting the condition is the biggest hurdle of all and this delayed her recovery. Her 20s, she says, were written off, stalling her life and her nursing career.

‘I felt absorbed by mental illness, and I felt like I resembled a revolving door.’

She explains that you have to be prepared to give the diagnosis years in order to get control over it. Her book outlines the challenges Anna, her family and her psychiatric care team faced, and how they finally navigated the path back to recovery.

However, finding the right treatment regime, coping tools and being at peace with the diagnosis has allowed Anna to be well for more than five years. Her story focuses on how she accepted the condition and the compromises and adaptations she has had to make along the way because of it.

Anna looks at the years she lost to her bipolar and is aware of the impact it has had on her life.

‘I feel cheated out of the many things my friends were doing, like building relationships, getting married and making it onto the property ladder.’

Anna is adamant that you have to want to get better.

‘Balancing the light and shade of bipolar is not too dissimilar from choosing paint off a Dulux colour chart.’

Now that Anna is in remission of bipolar, she says she thrives to live life in the grey, as opposed to the highs and lows of the black and the white. This is the main theme of the book.

‘Bipolar will always be my shadow, but it is glimmering in the background.’

Anna’s journey has taught her to be grateful for the simplest of things.

‘I even appreciate being able to carry out mundane tasks like shopping, cooking and cleaning, everyday things I couldn’t do when I was hospitalised.’

Her freedom is no longer something she takes for granted and she says it’s the small things that she is most grateful for.

Since turning 30, she has tried to catch up on those lost years in a controlled way and resumed a life with her family and friends.

And amazingly, Anna has managed to get back into her ‘nursing blues’ and now holds down a responsible nursing post. Nurses get sick too but this was tough to understand and Anna struggled with this.

‘No one is immune from mental ill health, and as I found out, it can creep up on anybody.’

She says the shame she experienced was worse because she was a nurse.

‘I felt the nursing community knew me more for my mental ill health rather than my nursing ability.

'Living on such a small island where people know you and what you have gone through was also a challenge.’

She says that writing the book has exposed her story very publicly but it is in her own words and at a time she feels it is right to do so.

Her wish would be that her diagnosis was viewed as equally as a physical condition, but sadly she feels not all people have this perception.

She is proud not to have had any time off work for over five years and has taken on a more senior role.

Meeting Anna now, it is hard to believe the turbulent years that have gone before her and she has had a sustained period of wellness. But it has taken a lot of hard work ‘behind the scenes’ to achieve this.

‘The things that keep me well are: adhering strictly to my medication regime, prioritising sleep, self-monitoring any early warning signs for mania and depression, accepting that I cannot work full-time, not taking on too much, saying no and most importantly, reaching out for help if I feel things sliding.’

Anna has gained so much insight and self-awareness over the years, which helps her to manage the natural highs and lows of life.

‘I also understand myself so much more, which has helped my autistic ways to be challenged too.’

Today, Anna is an articulate, vibrant brunette with huge sparkling blue eyes and a healthy zest for life that is not diminished by her diagnosis. She is a true ‘Guern’; an outdoorsy girl with a collection of different guernsey sweaters, who enjoys creating traditional Guernsey recipes and embraces being quirky.

Anna admits that it took a lot of soul-searching to go public about her incredible story.

‘It has been a hard story to tell but it is the right time to share and to do so in my own words.’

Now that she has conquered the worst bits of the condition and her neurodiverse ways, Anna feels she is in a good position to provide hope for fellow sufferers and their significant others. She finally manages it so well, living a normal life with some compromises.

It was such a lonely time for Anna, so she hopes that her scribblings can help avoid others going through that same experience.

‘I spent years being silent, just plodding along, but if I could have read a book like mine, it would have provided my family and I a degree of hope for a future with bipolar.

‘There were moments in my journey where I had given up hope entirely. I just feel privileged to have been able to be here today to write my story because I so nearly wasn’t.

‘Bipolar is such a misunderstood condition with so many myths attached to it.’

She hopes her lived experience account will educate the ill-informed, and allow fellow sufferers, parents and significant others to relate and compare their stories. Anna feels that mental health awareness has come on leaps and bounds compared to when she was first diagnosed in 2013.

‘There is so much more positive promotion out there now, creating a lot more awareness. Mental health is everybody’s business and I hope my small contribution can go a long way.

‘I am not a Ruby Wax, or Stephen Fry or even Heston, who all have bipolar disorder, but everyday people do suffer too. I wanted ordinary stories to resonate and be put out there too.’

Anna felt like she had blotted her copybook due to her significant mental health journey.

She now realises that she was wrong.

‘My healing journey has taught me a lot. It has brought me to now; allowing me to give hope to others and help people understand what it is like to live with bipolar and still lead a normal, fulfilling life.’

Several people have already reached out to her, some who have either been affected by similar mental health experiences themselves, or who know someone that is struggling.

‘I am able to empathise and reassure them that recovery is always possible, but it is a lifelong investment.

Anna intends to thrive to be a mental health champion, but most importantly she hopes her story can to make a difference.

Anna’s memoir, Me And My Shadow: A Memoir Of A Bipolar Journey, Embracing The Shadow, is available on Amazon and at some local book stores from Saturday 26 April.